{"id":8597,"date":"2019-05-11T07:34:31","date_gmt":"2019-05-11T06:34:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/?p=8597"},"modified":"2025-07-10T16:36:10","modified_gmt":"2025-07-10T15:36:10","slug":"controlling-parenting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/controlling-parenting\/","title":{"rendered":"Children need structure and guidance, but controlling parenting can do harm"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><\/p>\n<h3><strong>Controlling parenting is counterproductive, undermining children\u2019s self-regulation and their capacities for responsibility.<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p>Parents can often feel confused when they hear that it\u2019s good for children to have parents who are in control of their households, but that controlling parenting is bad for them.<\/p>\n<p>Mom and dad may feel caught between these two pieces of advice, suggesting that control can be good but also bad for children. How is a parent to know what\u2019s right and when?<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s why our research has identified a more straightforward way to think about raising children. It distinguishes between children having \u2018structure\u2019 (healthy) as opposed to children being pushed through controlling parenting (unhealthy).<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_79_2 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-custom ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title ez-toc-toggle\" style=\"cursor:pointer\">Table of Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><a href=\"#\" class=\"ez-toc-pull-right ez-toc-btn ez-toc-btn-xs ez-toc-btn-default ez-toc-toggle\" aria-label=\"Toggle Table of Content\"><span class=\"ez-toc-js-icon-con\"><span class=\"\"><span class=\"eztoc-hide\" style=\"display:none;\">Toggle<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-icon-toggle-span\"><svg style=\"fill: #121c4e;color:#121c4e\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" class=\"list-377408\" width=\"20px\" height=\"20px\" viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\"><path d=\"M6 6H4v2h2V6zm14 0H8v2h12V6zM4 11h2v2H4v-2zm16 0H8v2h12v-2zM4 16h2v2H4v-2zm16 0H8v2h12v-2z\" fill=\"currentColor\"><\/path><\/svg><svg style=\"fill: #121c4e;color:#121c4e\" class=\"arrow-unsorted-368013\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" width=\"10px\" height=\"10px\" viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" version=\"1.2\" baseProfile=\"tiny\"><path d=\"M18.2 9.3l-6.2-6.3-6.2 6.3c-.2.2-.3.4-.3.7s.1.5.3.7c.2.2.4.3.7.3h11c.3 0 .5-.1.7-.3.2-.2.3-.5.3-.7s-.1-.5-.3-.7zM5.8 14.7l6.2 6.3 6.2-6.3c.2-.2.3-.5.3-.7s-.1-.5-.3-.7c-.2-.2-.4-.3-.7-.3h-11c-.3 0-.5.1-.7.3-.2.2-.3.5-.3.7s.1.5.3.7z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/a><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/controlling-parenting\/#What_is_Controlling_Parenting\" >What is Controlling Parenting?<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/controlling-parenting\/#Difference_between_controlling_parenting_and_parenting_which_provides_%E2%80%98structure\" >Difference between controlling parenting and parenting which provides \u2018structure\u2019<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/controlling-parenting\/#How_controlling_parenting_can_harm_children\" >How controlling parenting can harm children<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/controlling-parenting\/#Supporting_autonomy_is_vital_in_dangerous_neighbourhoods\" >Supporting autonomy is vital in dangerous neighbourhoods<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-5\" href=\"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/controlling-parenting\/#Controlling_parenting_is_driven_by_three_diverse_sources_of_stress\" >Controlling parenting is driven by three diverse sources of stress<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-6\" href=\"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/controlling-parenting\/#Help_parents_to_understand_what_motivates_children\" >Help parents to understand what motivates children<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-7\" href=\"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/controlling-parenting\/#Avoid_rewarding_activities_that_children_already_love\" >Avoid rewarding activities that children already love<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"What_is_Controlling_Parenting\"><\/span>What is Controlling Parenting?<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>In short, controlling parenting is a <a href=\"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/harsh-parenting-effects\/\">harsh style of parenting<\/a> in which a parent keeps close tabs on their children&#8217;s lives and tend to have strict rules and expectations for their children. Controlling parents typically enforce these rules with little room for negotiation or flexibility, and prioritise discipline over fostering independence or open communication with their child.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Difference_between_controlling_parenting_and_parenting_which_provides_%E2%80%98structure\"><\/span>Difference between controlling parenting and parenting which provides \u2018structure\u2019<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Structure can involve rules, guidelines and limits so that children know what\u2019s expected of them and the consequences of their actions. That <a href=\"https:\/\/www.kidscreektherapy.com\/why-structure-and-consistency-are-important-for-kids\/\">helps them learn successfully<\/a> and avoid getting into trouble. But structure <a href=\"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/authoritative-parenting-balancing-discipline-with-warmth-and-support\/\">does not have to be imposed<\/a> in a controlling manner.<\/p>\n<p>Structure can be developed in ways that also support children\u2019s autonomy. Parents can get together with their children to figure out rules and consequences. There can be back and forth. Dissension can be heard and discussed.<\/p>\n<p>Parents can listen to critical feedback and empathise with children\u2019s dislike of tasks, be it doing chores or homework. So structure can support autonomy and children\u2019s agency. But, ultimately, rules and guidance are established, so this approach is not simply permissive.\u00a0 <a href=\"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/authoritative-parenting-balancing-discipline-with-warmth-and-support\/\">Supporting children\u2019s autonomy<\/a> is actually very active and does not involve a loss of parental authority or agency.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><strong>\u201cControlling parenting was associated with <a href=\"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/harsh-parenting-effects\/\">children experiencing increased anxiety and depression<\/a>, particularly in more dangerous neighbourhoods where children need to experience personal competence and agency.\u201d<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>This approach contrasts with controlling parenting, where parents push and pressure children into actions over which they may have little say, and parents dictate without allowing genuine input from children. Such parenting can sometimes involve harsh discipline, including corporal punishment.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"How_controlling_parenting_can_harm_children\"><\/span>How controlling parenting can harm children<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong>Controlling parenting can <a href=\"https:\/\/www.parentingstyles.com\/parenting\/style\/authoritarian\/\">undermine children\u2019s self-regulation<\/a> and their capacity for responsibility. Instead of learning how to manage their own behavior, children may become reactive, responding negatively to being controlled. This may lead them to do the opposite of what is demanded, not from personal choice, but as a reaction against too much pressure.<\/p>\n<p>We tested these two aspects of parenting, structured and controlling, in a study of 215 children and their families in several parts of Worcester, Massachusetts. We looked at whether parents were controlling and pressuring or whether they supported autonomy. We also tested whether they provided structure or whether rules and guidelines were lacking.<\/p>\n<p>We were particularly interested in how parenting of children worked out in more dangerous neighbourhoods. Some experts argue that controlling parenting is the right thing to do in such areas because children are at risk and need their parents to protect them\u2014and that autonomy-supportive parenting, which takes children\u2019s opinions into account and allows them to offer input, is more appropriate in safer neighbourhoods.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Supporting_autonomy_is_vital_in_dangerous_neighbourhoods\"><\/span>Supporting autonomy is vital in dangerous neighbourhoods<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Our study found that in all the neighbourhoods, irrespective of their intrinsic dangers, overbearing or controlling parenting <a href=\"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/harsh-parenting-effects\/\">increased anxiety and depression in children<\/a>. Indeed, these symptoms were particularly exacerbated in more dangerous neighbourhoods.<\/p>\n<p>This is probably because children in dangerous neighbourhoods particularly need a sense of competence and agency and to be able to solve problems and manage those difficulties, so they need parenting that supports their autonomy.<\/p>\n<p>Controlling parents can undermine feelings of autonomy and competence. Yet, it is precisely the danger of some neighbourhoods that can lead parents to use more pressure and be less collaborative because they worry about the risks their children face.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><strong>\u201cMost parents believe, in principle, in children\u2019s autonomy, but sometimes worries and internal pressures cause them to push their children.\u201d<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>Our study also found that when parents provided more structure, children were less likely to show depression and anxiety and less like to act out problems, no matter whether the neighbourhood was considered dangerous or safe.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Controlling_parenting_is_driven_by_three_diverse_sources_of_stress\"><\/span>Controlling parenting is driven by three diverse sources of stress<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong>Research highlights three kinds of stress that can lead parents to adopt more pressuring and controlling approaches &#8211; stressful situations, stress from within and stress from children themselves.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>First, stressful situations\u2014from work, <a href=\"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/poverty-maturing-childrens-brains\/\">poverty<\/a> or relationships\u2014can narrow parents\u2019 focus, making them less empathetic. We have shown that negative life events such as <a href=\"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/children-of-divorce-self-esteem\/\">divorce<\/a>, having to move, and financial difficulties are all associated with controlling parenting.<\/li>\n<li>Second, parents can feel pressure from within\u2014they may feel that they must make their children competitive for what seems like a \u201cdog-eat-dog\u201d world, or a parent\u2019s own self-esteem may rely on their children doing well. We have conducted studies that identified parents whose sense of worth was particularly tied to their children\u2019s performance. We then tested how they interacted with their children and found that they were more likely to be controlling.<\/li>\n<li>A third source of pressure to be controlling can come from children themselves. It\u2019s much easier to encourage input and autonomy in children who are easier to deal with and more cooperative than with children who are difficult and challenging. Studies have established that the parents of difficult children are more <a href=\"https:\/\/news.stanford.edu\/2021\/03\/11\/study-reveals-impact-much-parental-involvement\/\">likely be controlling<\/a>.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Help_parents_to_understand_what_motivates_children\"><\/span>Help parents to understand what motivates children<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>How can we encourage parents to shift from harmful, controlling parenting to parenting that supports autonomy? This is a crucial question, particularly for parents who are raising children in stressful situations or neighbourhoods full of risks for their children.<\/p>\n<p>To encourage this shift from controlling parenting, it\u2019s helpful to recognise that many parents believe, in principle, in the value of children\u2019s autonomy. They want their children to do what interests them and to be happy. But in stressful situations, they often find themselves pushing and pressuring the children. This is similar to attitudes about corporal punishment: many <a href=\"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/spanking-children-hugging\/\">parents who spank their children<\/a> don\u2019t actually agree with such punishment, later regret their actions, and are open to learning about alternatives.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><strong>\u201cParents need to know how to provide guidance, expectations, and standards, but in ways that do not undermine children\u2019s autonomy and personal responsibility.\u201d<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>We have designed and tested an intervention that helps parents shift from a controlling approach to one that supports their children\u2019s autonomy. We don\u2019t just teach strategies. We also explain motivational theory so parents understand how increasing children\u2019s autonomy will fuel their energy for what they do.<\/p>\n<p>This helps parents to see why controlling parenting can backfire. Understanding the theory gives parents something to fall back on when times are difficult and they are tempted to pressure and push children in a dictatorial fashion. This intervention has shown good results, with controlling parents changing their behaviors and becoming more autonomy-supporting.<\/p>\n<p>We have to help parents who rely on controlling methods out of the binds in which they can find themselves. They need to know how they can provide guidance, expectations, and standards, but in ways that do not undermine children\u2019s sense of autonomy and personal responsibility.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Avoid_rewarding_activities_that_children_already_love\"><\/span>Avoid rewarding activities that children already love<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong>We encourage parents to use this knowledge in two ways. For activities that children love to do, support and encourage them without getting in front of them. So if they love soccer, support it without being pushy. Intrinsically motivated activities can easily start to feel extrinsically motivated when parents push and pressure. That can be counterproductive, putting children off doing what they previously loved.<\/p>\n<p>However, some important activities are not naturally attractive or interesting to children. It\u2019s vital to set some rules, expectations, and guidelines for these activities but also to provide well-discussed reasons so that children can internalise them.<\/p>\n<p>A parent might say: \u201cKeeping a clean room is important because then you can find your things and you won\u2019t attract bugs that can make you sick.\u201d This approach allows a parent to develop rules and expectations in concert with a child, empathising with the fact that they might not want to do what\u2019s asked of them. Parents can give choices to help avoid children feeling controlled:\u00a0 \u201cWould you rather clean your room on Saturday morning or after school?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Parents need to be careful to differentiate between activities that children love to do and those that they don\u2019t enjoy \u2013 and alter their behaviour accordingly. If parents reward children for things they already love to do, then, sometimes, children won\u2019t want to do them anymore.<\/p>\n<div class=\"retrofit-references\">\n<h4>References<\/h4>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 1.8em;\"><em>\u00a0Grolnick WS &amp; Pomerantz EM (2009), <a href=\"https:\/\/onlinelibrary.wiley.com\/doi\/abs\/10.1111\/j.1750-8606.2009.00099.x\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Issues and challenges in studying parental control: Toward a new onceptualization<\/a>, Child Development Perspectives, 3.3<\/em><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 1.8em;\"><em>\u00a0Gurland ST &amp; Grolnick WS (2005), <a href=\"https:\/\/link.springer.com\/article\/10.1007\/s11031-005-7956-2\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Perceived threat, controlling parenting, and children\u2019s achievement orientations<\/a>, Motivation and Emotion, 29.2<\/em><\/p>\n<p><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Controlling parenting is counterproductive, undermining children\u2019s self-regulation and their capacities for responsibility.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":136,"featured_media":8601,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5765,438],"tags":[394,267,272],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8597"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/136"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8597"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8597\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":22216,"href":"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8597\/revisions\/22216"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8601"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8597"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8597"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childandfamilyblog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8597"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}