<\/span><\/h2>\nMy casework team was camping during a US Outward Bound course for adolescents*, working in the woods with a dozen delinquent teenagers. If the kids hadn\u2019t been there, many would likely have been in jail. The atmosphere was tense \u2014 the kids were tired and frustrated. My team\u2019s enthusiasm was waning. We were missing our \u201creal\u201d lives during this 30-day rehabilitation course. Suddenly, a bright teenager \u2014 seemingly well-mannered, but with a violent temper \u2014 hurls a shovel at my tent.\u00a0 I\u2019m inside. I could have ended up in hospital. He could have been sent to prison.<\/p>\n
How do you handle something like that? Some might advise: \u201cDeal with how he regulates his emotions. This is about anger management.\u201d But the boy believed that I\u2019d betrayed him, so getting him to control his emotional reaction wasn\u2019t practical if he couldn\u2019t cope with the disappointment of my perceived betrayal. He and I were close; he trusted me when he rarely put his faith in adults. Yet he thought that he\u2019d caught me listening outside his tent and that I\u2019d revealed a secret. In reality, I was wandering around looking for my flashlight, but that didn\u2019t matter at the time.<\/p>\n
Others might say: \u201cDeal with his decision-making. He needs help to make decisions in the instant that won\u2019t damage his long-term future, like, for example, landing himself in jail.\u201d But tackling his decision-making in isolation won\u2019t work either, because the long term doesn\u2019t feel all that important when he can\u2019t deal with the let-down of a trusted adult betraying him.<\/p>\n
The answer was to take a holistic view, to recognise that all these elements \u2014coping, decision-making and emotional regulation \u2014 were intertwined.\u00a0 That said, if he didn\u2019t feel that I was genuinely invested in what happened to him \u2014 if he didn\u2019t trust me \u2014he wasn\u2019t going to be interested in what I had to offer.<\/p>\n
So we started with restoring trust. \u201cI was just walking by your tent. I wasn\u2019t listening in,\u201d I reassured him. But he\u2019d lost his belief in me. \u201cYeah, well, you lie all the time. All the time! You lie about your push-ups!\u201d he shouted. \u201cEvery morning, you say you do 50. Ain\u2019t no way you do 50.\u201d After a 14-hour day, in the only clean clothes I had left, I dropped to the ground, in the dark, and gave him 50.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s important to place young people in settings where they can take risks and try out new skills. Active, experiential learning allows them to face their triggers and learn to handle them without getting into trouble.\u201d<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\nAnd I used humour. I\u2019m half the size of these kids, but they call me Big K. The running joke is that we all pretend I\u2019m just as big as the rest of them. So I tell him that whatever he does, however angry he is right now, \u201cJust don\u2019t make a mistake you\u2019ll regret. Do NOT call me \u2018short\u2019.\u201d He\u2019s very upset, but I\u2019m showing him how to come down, showing him that just because we\u2019re at odds, it doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s over between us. I don\u2019t shame him. He doesn\u2019t lose face in front of the other kids. Nor do I. Once we\u2019ve both settled down, we\u2019ll work through the process that led to this, and sign onto a plan for how he\u2019ll need to behave differently the next time things escalate, if he wants to stay on the course with us.<\/p>\n