• Decades of research points to specific ways parents can build resilience that can help protect children from the challenges of adverse experiences and stress.
• Strategies include parent-focused tips such as practicing self care, reflecting on one’s own past experiences, and developing emotional control.
• Additional strategies focus on ways to navigate relationships with children, including being a source of unconditional love and support, communicating, supporting children’s other relationships and activities, and adapting to changing needs as children grow.

A need to navigate challenging childhood experiences

We live in a world of adversity. Wars, climate change, rising mental health crises, bullying in schools, Internet predators. Parents today face these and many other issues as they help their children and teens survive and thrive.

In our recently published book, Raising a Resilient Child in a World of Adversity: Effective Parenting for Every Family, we have gathered proven strategies and simple guidelines to help parents succeed. Our book is grounded in research and was reviewed by a panel of experts prior to publication by the American Psychological Association.

Much of the research on resilience and adversity has come from Western cultures, although international research on resilience and the role of culture is growing.

We use the term parenting in our book and here, but recognize that caregivers and families come in many different forms, and face both common and specific challenges. Our book is for anyone caring for a child or adolescent, whether they are a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or any other caregiver who wants to help children face the challenges and stressors of growing up today.

Adults bring their own histories and stresses to their parenting

Parenting is one of the most difficult and stressful jobs. Many parents struggle to overcome their own difficult childhoods and yearn to parent differently than they were parented. This can be particularly challenging for adults with a history of childhood adversity or what scientists call adverse childhood experiences (ACEs).

ACEs can include physical and emotional abuse and neglect; sexual abuse; family violence; divorce; or having a parent with mental illness, who was incarcerated, or who abused drugs or alcohol.

Research shows that ACEs can cause changes in the body’s ability to handle stress – in our brains, our cells, and even our DNA. These changes can raise the risk of both physical and mental health problems in adulthood, and may also increase the stress that comes from parenting, making it even more difficult.

10 evidence-based tips for building resilience in children

Based on our experience as researchers in child development and as parents, and drawing from decades of research on adversity and resilience, we recommend 10 actions parents can take to break the cycles of adversity and help themselves and their children become more resilient.

Our 10 tips to build resilience in children include:

1. Take care of yourself
2. Deal with the past
3. Learn to control your emotions and be an emotion coach
4. Nurture your children’s relationships
5. Volunteer in the community with your child
6. Establish rituals and routines
7. Realize that sometimes parents need to take control
8. Have conversations
9. Support protective and compensatory experiences (PACEs)
10. Adjust your parenting as children grow older

Let’s take a look at those 10 tips in more detail.

1. Take care of yourself

It’s hard to be a good parent when the adult’s basic needs are not being met. Especially when children are young, it is particularly challenging for parents to meet their own needs. While it may be tempting for adults to give all their energy to parenting, doing so takes a toll on the family in the long run.

Tips:

• Find ways to get enough sleep, take time for yourself, and ask others for help. This team approach to parenting is good for everyone because adults and children thrive when they have a larger social network and more people in their lives who care about them.
• Consider joining a parenting group or creating opportunities to engage in activities that replenish your energy. Such commitments can help you prioritize your health and well-being.

2. Deal with the past

Most people tend to parent the way they were parented. When individuals are under stress, they are even more likely to fall into familiar patterns, even when they know they may not be the best ones.

It’s hard to be a good parent when the adult’s basic needs are not being met.

Parents can work to break the intergenerational cycle of adversity by recognizing and dealing with their ACEs.

The first step is to recognize how their current ways of coping with adversity and stress are related to their childhood experiences. Most children learned to survive using strategies that may no longer be helpful.

For example, isolating oneself from others may have been adaptative in childhood and adolescence, but seeking support and learning to trust are important in adult relationships and in parenting.

Tips:

• Journal about the changes you want to make.
• Talk with your partner or friends about your past and how you want things to be different in your family.
• Consider seeking professional help from a qualified mental health provider.

3. Learn to control your emotions and be an emotion coach

Meditating with your child is an effective method of improving emotional control and therefore resilience. Photo by Monstera Production on Pexels.

It’s hard to be the grownup in the room when negative feelings overwhelm you. Current situations may trigger feelings from the past that prevent adults from thinking clearly or reacting calmly. When a parent can’t stop their baby from crying or talk calmly with their teen about the party they went to last night, it might raise feelings of failure.

Most parents encounter situations that overwhelm them, and learning how to cope with such instances in healthy ways is important for both health and parenting.

Tips:

• Investigate strategies such as mindfulness, deep breathing, and simply being aware of feelings and where they come from to help remain calm during the emotional trials that naturally accompany parenting. When parents stay calm, children feel safe and are less likely to become overwhelmed by negative feelings.
• Act as an emotion coach, teaching your children how to manage strong feelings. Emotion coaching involves labeling children’s emotions without overreacting to them, helping children realize what those feelings may signal, and problem solving how to handle them together without becoming overly distraught.

4. Nurture your children’s relationships

Having supportive relationships is one of the best predictors of resilience. This starts with unconditional love from a parent, letting a child know that they are loved no matter what, and that love and acceptance are not based on performance or expectations.

This can be challenging, especially when parenting a teenager, but parents can disapprove of certain behaviors and have clear rules while still providing support and love.

Tip:

• Encourage your children’s friendships and relationships with other trustworthy adults, such as coaches, teachers, and mentors.

5. Volunteer in the community with your child

Children learn empathy and perspective-taking by helping people outside their families. It can be a powerful experience for families when they volunteer and help people in their community as a family. Children learn the importance of helping others and see virtues such as kindness and generosity in action.

Tip:

• Consider volunteering at a local homeless shelter or soup kitchen, collecting canned goods for a community food bank, or helping clean up a neighborhood park or plant a community garden. These experiences also expose children to other caring adults, providing role models outside the home.

6. Establish rituals and routines

Children thrive when their world is predictable and not chaotic. Simply sticking to a daily routine can make a huge difference in a family. When children know what to expect, it lowers their stress.

For younger children, bedtime routines are key for good sleep for everyone. When children go to bed early, parents have time to themselves. Reading bedtime stories is a great ritual that benefits children’s learning and can be enjoyed by all.

Reading as part of a bedtime routine. Photo by Pavel Danilyuk on Pexels

As children get older, clear rules and limits help them learn acceptable behaviors and how to get along with others.

Rituals are also important, not just on holidays, but to establish priorities and create an identity as a family. Shared family meals can be especially valuable.

Tips:

• It may be difficult to start a routine, but having a family meeting and coming up with plans together is a good way to get everyone on board. Write down daily routines as a family and agree on rules and consequences together.
• It may be hard to make time for family meals amid busy lives. Try to make a commitment to increase the number of times you sit down together as a family to have dinner (or breakfast) each week.

7. Realize that sometimes parents need to take control

The idea of gentle parenting, also called parenting without punishment, has become popular recently and has many positive aspects. However, sometimes parents need to be in control and to be more firm than gentle.

Decades of research has found that overly permissive parenting can lead to behavior problems for children in the long run.

We propose an approach to parenting that balances the need for parental control with children’s need for independence. These balancing acts change as children grow older. It can be tiring and difficult to always be the adult and not give in to children’s wants and demands. But children need to be able to count on their parents to make important decisions and keep them safe.

Tips:

• Don’t shy away from non-harsh discipline when needed.
• In hundreds of studies of parenting and child development, natural (naturally occuring) and logical (parent-imposed) consequences have been shown to be effective strategies for discipline. For example, if a child forgets to pack their lunch, a natural consequence is that they feel hungry. If children are fighting over what to watch on TV, a logical consequence is that you turn the TV off. Use these styles of responding to undesirable behavior to both manage the current situation and help children learn what is or is not appropriate.

8. Have conversations

Children and teens face many trials in today’s world, including fears about growing up, bullying, anxiety over doing well in school, exposure to drugs and alcohol, and online dating apps. Having a good parent-child relationship is one of the best ways to raise resilient children.

Decades of research has found that overly permissive parenting can lead to behavior problems for children in the long run.

If parents don’t talk to their children and adolescents about such matters, young people will go to their friends or the Internet to learn. There is a lot of misinformation out there, some of it dangerous, and parents should be a source of support and accurate information.

Tips:

• Have regular conversations with your children about big and small matters.
• Stay calm and ask for children’s thoughts and ideas during conversations so they will come back to you for support and advice in the future.
• Take advantage of car rides, bedtimes, and family meals to ask your children about their day or invite them to share their thoughts on big and little issues.

Making time for meaningful conversation can help build resilience in your child. Photo by Kindel Media on Pexels

9. Support protective and compensatory experiences (PACEs)

Studies from all over the world of children who experienced adversity but did well in spite of it point to specific activities and experiences that helped them build resilience. Inspired by that research, we came up with a list of 10 protective and compensatory experiences (or PACEs) as an antidote to ACEs (see our previous blog).

Having caring relationships – with parents, other adults and family members, peers, and social groups – is essential, but children also need opportunities to be physically active, enjoy a hobby or develop special skills, and to have the necessary resources to learn or go to a good school.

Tips:

• Help children build and maintain healthy relationships with family, peers, and other adults.
• Support children’s involvement in both school and extracurricular opportunities. You may sometimes wonder why you’re driving your children to so many activities. But research has found that these experiences foster resilience, and build the self-esteem and skills needed to succeed as children grow and become adults.

10. Adjust your parenting as children grow older

As children grow older and occupy different stages of development, parenting and its components (e.g., fostering resilience, identifying appropriate best practices) change. Parents encounter both challenges and opportunities along the way.

Like a road trip, the journey of parenting has twists and turns, roadblocks, and bridges. In our book, we offer a roadmap for parents, with different options for how to build resilience in children, how to be a safe driver, and how to eventually hand over the wheel.

Tips:

• Pay attention to your child in the moment and be ready to adjust if a previous strategy no longer seems to be working well.
• Take into account children’s changing abilities and needs, and try giving them more control and responsibility in situations where they are most likely to succeed and the stakes are not too high. Gradually work your way up to handing over the wheel in bigger situations.
• If problems arise, consider ways to increase support without punishment. You and your child are navigating the changes in the road together and can adjust as a team.

Sharing our experiences as parents and developmental psychologists to help build resilience in families

Our book is based on our experiences as parents and developmental psychologists. We also share stories of our own children (with their permission) and our own struggles as parents. Parenting is a balancing act, and we believe that everyone benefits from science-based information and practical tips for navigating the journey.

For more information and details, please see our book and website. We hope our ideas help you foster resilience in your child and assist you in becoming a more resilient parent and adult.

The post 10 Actions Parents Can Take to Help their Children Be More Resilient in a World of Adversity appeared first on Child and Family Blog.

Experiences that build resilience strengthen children who face adversities.

Adversity, such as abuse, neglect, and poverty, damages children. But protective experiences can build resilience against adversity and promote positive development.

We identified 10 relationships and resources proven to counter the impact of adverse experiences. They have hidden magic that can transform an otherwise miserable childhood. Perhaps a child has been abused and has an alcoholic or depressed parent – or both. Down the street lives a grandmother who provides safe harbor. Maybe a caring teacher or an athletics coach takes the child under her wing. These are just a few of many protective antidotes that can diminish the toxicity of adverse experiences. They mean that a child’s outcomes may turn out to be much better than expected in the face of difficult circumstances.

This list of PACEs – Protective and Compensatory Experiences – is based on more than common sense. The impact of such experiences is often identifiable through changes to the brain and in behaviors. For example, experiments with mice graphically demonstrate what can happen when a PACE repairs some of the damage caused by bad early experiences.

PACEs and genetic changes

 A new mother mouse placed after the she gives birth in an unfamiliar environment with inadequate bedding typically becomes abusive to her pups. She may step on her young, and stop licking or grooming them because she is stressed. These pups grow up and act in a depressed manner, and are more likely to be harsh and fail to nurture their own pups. However, when the pups are fostered by non-stressed, nurturing mothers, over time, the epigenetic change driving their abusive behaviors can be reversed.

“When children experience multiple forms of adversity, the impacts are magnified. Multiple protective experiences may also have a cumulative effect.”

We do not yet have data for humans on the epigenetic impact of switching from an adverse to a protective experience. However, infants raised initially in Romanian orphanages who were later fostered in nurturing homes showed developmental benefits that likely mirrored the neurobiological improvements observed in mice.

Our colleague, David Bard, professor of pediatrics at the University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center, has demonstrated how positive parenting practices in thousands of U.S. families have buffered children against the impacts of adversity. Activities such as reading to children; ensuring they have routines; and taking them to shops, museums, and playgrounds were associated with better learning in preschool and fewer behavioral problems at school than would otherwise have been expected.

Top 10 protective and compensatory experiences

From research evidence, we have assembled a list of the top 10 types of relationships and resources that provide the PACEs that bolster children against adversity. These are detailed more extensively in our new book, Adverse and Protective Childhood Experiences: A Developmental Perspective.

1. Receiving unconditional love: Not only do children need to be nurtured and loved, that love should feel unconditional. This does not mean that children never get in trouble or parents never get mad. The crucial point is that whatever a child does, the parent stays on the child’s side. As an infant, it means that when you cry, you get a response; your parents make eye contact with you and cherish you; and they sing, play, and talk with you. As a child, you can count on your parent’s eyes lighting up when you walk into the room; mom or dad always has your back. And when you grow older, it means that your parent sets limits and explains how things are done. There are many ways to express unconditional love.
2. Having a best friend: Close friendship offers protection from peer rejection, bullying, and victimization. This happens not just because a child has someone to talk to, but because it helps the child learn how to deal with conflict and grow a relationship over time. Children have a sense of being important and they have someone to go to.
3. Volunteering in the community: Volunteering helps children learn about the needs of others and gives them the opportunity to see a world outside their own. When they understand that helping is not done out of pity, it allows them to accept help from others when they need it.
4. Being part of a group: Being in a group gives children a sense of belonging outside the family. It allows children and teenagers to learn about themselves in different contexts, and provides opportunities for friendship and leadership. Taking part in school clubs and sports is linked to academic success, psychological well-being, and lower rates of substance abuse.
5. Having a mentor: Having an adult other than a parent who can be trusted and counted on for help and advice helps protect against psychological distress and academic difficulties, and reduces the incidence of high-risk activities. Even if children have exemplary parents, an adult outside the home can be an alternative role model to whom children can aspire and is a reminder that someone else loves them.
6. Living in a clean, safe home with enough food: These primary needs are crucial. Good, regular nutrition is important for brain development and protects against health problems; eating dinner regularly with your family reduces the risk of weight problems. Chaotic, unpredictable home environments are associated with harsh and inconsistent parenting. Children who live in unclean, cluttered homes have worse outcomes than those living in clean, organized homes.
7. Getting an education: Just like living in a clean, safe home, the opportunity to learn and be educated in an environment with boundaries and rules also protects children from risk. High-quality early childhood programs make a lasting difference to outcomes for children from low-income families.
8. Having a hobby: Whether it is playing an instrument, dancing, doing judo, reading, or playing chess, any recreational activity helps teach self-discipline and self-regulation, and can provide children and youth with a routine and a sense of mastery, competence, and self-esteem.
9. Engaging in physical activity: Being physically active helps children handle the physiological effects of stress on the body, and improves mood and mental health. In so doing, it reduces the likelihood that children will grab a bag of chips or lash out to relieve stress.
10. Having rules and routines: Security comes when children know what to expect and when caregivers enforce clear rules and limits. Children cannot parent themselves; they need high expectations, consistency, and parents’ involvement. In early childhood, this means that parents should establish and enforce bedtime and other routines, redirect children when they misbehave, and as children grow up, explain the effects of their behavior on others.

Photo: Anna Earl. Unsplash.

We know that when children experience multiple forms of adversity, the impacts are magnified. Likewise, multiple protective experiences may have a cumulative effect for children, though the power of this accumulation requires further study.

PACEs matter for all children

Adverse experiences can happen anywhere to anyone — the rich as well as the poor. All children should have access to experiences that bolster and protect them. Children from more well-to-do families who face adverse experiences, such as family break-up, mental illness, and substance abuse, are more likely to have compensatory experiences. These might be opportunities to participate in clubs, have tutors, go to drama classes, choose to play an instrument, and have teachers and coaches who really care about them.

“Down the street lives a grandmother who provides safe harbor. Maybe a caring teacher or athletics coach takes the child under her wing. These are just a few of many protective antidotes that can diminish the toxicity of adverse experiences.”

In contrast, children in families living in high-crime and high-poverty neighborhoods might lack access to protective experiences because their families have insufficient money or time. These children face a double jeopardy – more adversity and less compensatory protection. Their difficulties have increased in recent decades as many PACE resources, such as youth sports and activities, have become increasingly expensive.

The COVID-19 pandemic has emphasized how alone many parents are as they try to help their children gain access to PACEs. Parents have struggled to support their children’s learning at home, grappling with isolation; lack of routines; inadequate opportunities for exercise and hobbies; and in some cases, lack of enough food to keep children healthy.

The pandemic reminds us that promoting childhood development is about much more than preventing adversity. We need to think more about how to ensure that children have the good things in life so they are less likely to be hindered by what can go wrong.

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