• Interparental conflict after divorce escalates the risk of mental health problems in children and adolescents.
• Elevated levels of conflict between parents can also induce fear and worry in children about their future and whether they will be adequately taken care of. In turn, a greater fear of abandonment puts children at greater risk of mental health problems.
• Parents can protect their children’s mental health by adopting strategies that shield them from conflict and that assure them that they will be well cared for no matter what happens.
• Developing programs to help children and adolescents cope effectively with interparental conflicts is a pivotal step toward safeguarding their well-being.

This article on the mental health implications for children caught between highly conflicted divorced parents will cover the following key points:

1. Protecting children in the emotional storm of divorce
2. Linking conflict to children’s mental health problems
3. Exploring the role of children’s fear of abandonment
4. Does high-quality parenting reduce the negative effects of interparental conflict on fear of abandonment?
5. Reducing the harmful effects of interparental conflict on youth’s mental health by supporting both parents and children

1. Protecting children in the emotional storm of divorce

In most divorces, parents make many important decisions: How much time will the children spend with each parent? Will the children change schools? Who will make decisions about medical and educational issues? These and other issues can be very emotional, so it is natural for many separating and divorcing parents to experience conflict.

Shielding youth from parental conflict is undeniably challenging. Children might witness or overhear arguments, or they might sense tension in more subtle ways during one-on-one interactions with a parent. Simple remarks can inadvertently place children in a difficult position and make them feel torn between both sides.

Children exposed to more frequent and intense parental conflict in the first years after divorce were more than two and a half times more likely to develop a mental health disorder six years later than were peers whose parents were also divorced but who had experienced less frequent and less intense conflict.

Phrases like “I can’t believe your mom went out with her friends instead of spending time with you” can foster feelings of being caught in the middle.

Similarly, asking children and teenagers to relay messages (e.g., “Tell your dad I need to change the time I pick you up next week”) or pressing them for information about the other parent (e.g., “Who else was at your mom’s with you today?” “What did you have for dinner at your dad’s last night?”) make children feel they need to take sides.

2. Linking conflict to children’s mental health problems

There is a well-established link between high levels of interparental conflict and the development of mental health problems in children and adolescents, including anxiety, depression, and aggression.

For example, in one of our studies, of 240 nine- to 12-year-olds, we assessed patterns of child-reported conflict over six to eight years following divorce.

The study was conducted in the United States; 88% of mothers were Caucasian, 8% were Hispanic, 2% were African American, and 1% were Asian; median yearly income ranged from $20,001 to $25,000 (equivalent to approximately $45,000 to $56,000 today), and 47% of mothers reported completing some college courses.

More intense parental conflict leads to to worse mental health

Children exposed to more frequent and intense parental conflict in the first years after divorce were more than two and a half times more likely to develop a mental health disorder six years later than were peers whose parents were also divorced but who had experienced less frequent and less intense conflict.

But despite the clear connection between conflict and mental health problems, we do not yet understand how and why this link occurs. To help families navigate the process of separation and divorce and to protect children’s mental health, we must understand this process more thoroughly.

Photo: rubberduck1951. Pixabay.

3. Exploring the role of children’s fear of abandonment

One potential explanation for the link is that witnessing frequent conflicts makes children fear abandonment or worry about whether they will receive adequate care from one or both parents.

In a recent study, of 559 youth ages nine to 18 who had experienced a parental separation or divorce in the previous two years, we addressed a few important questions about conflict and fear of abandonment. Our goal was to help experts create better programs for families going through separation and divorce.

First, we asked whether children and adolescents were more afraid of being left alone or not taken care of properly when there was more conflict between parents.

Next, we explored whether a greater fear of abandonment correlated with increased mental health problems. Finally, we explored whether high-quality parenting protected children from fear of abandonment, even when there was a lot of conflict between parents.

The emergence of the fear of abandonment

Fear of abandonment emerged as a key explanation for the heightened risk of mental health problems. Exposure to elevated levels of conflict made children and adolescents more prone to fearing abandonment three months later. This heightened fear, in turn, was associated with an increase in mental health problems 10 months later.

This finding remained the same even after accounting for previous mental health problems. Fear of abandonment may get in the way of children and adolescents coping effectively with stress, distract them from developmental goals, or push them toward potentially harmful peer groups that encourage antisocial behaviors.

Fear of abandonment emerged as a key explanation for the heightened risk of mental health problems.

4. Does high-quality parenting reduce the negative effects of interparental conflict on fear of abandonment?

Research shows that high-quality parenting is a very strong protective factor for all children, especially those who experience separation or divorce.

High-quality parenting is defined as parenting that is responsive, close, accepting, supportive, and encouraging, and is characterized by a generally positive emotional relationship between parent and child.

Research also indicates that high-quality parenting can lessen the impact of divorce-related stressors on children’s mental health problems. With this in mind, we anticipated that high-quality parenting could counterbalance the adverse effects of high levels of conflict between parents.

Surprisingly, when we examined the protective role of high-quality parenting in our study, this did not happen. Even though high-quality parenting was somewhat protective for the children and adolescents we studied, it may not have been powerful enough to cancel out the harmful effects of high levels of conflict.

5. Reducing the harmful effects of interparental conflict on youth’s mental health by supporting both parents and children

How can the harmful effects of interparental conflict on children’s and adolescents’ mental health be reduced? A focus on both parents and children is important. Here are two suggestions.

Photo: Kindel Media. Pexels.

First, researchers and clinicians need to help separated and divorced parents access programs that give them the tools to reduce their children’s exposure to conflict.

In rigorous evaluations, few in-person or online programs for separated or divorced parents have reduced children’s exposure to interparental conflict. One exception is the eNew Beginnings Program (eNBP), which was developed by one of the authors (Wolchik et al., 2022).

In the eNBP, parents learn practical strategies to protect their children from witnessing interparental conflict; they also learn how to refrain from sharing negative comments about the other parent with the child and asking the child to relay messages to the other parent.

To help reduce the fear of abandonment, parents let their children know that they will always be there for them and that parents never divorce children.

Second, researchers need to develop and test programs that help children cope effectively with the difficult thoughts and feelings that arise when parents fight or say things that make children feel they need to take sides. Research funded by the National Institute of Mental Health is underway to develop a program to help children cope effectively with interparental conflict.

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• A brief, online program can help parents promote their children’s resilience following separation and divorce.
• Not all online programs for divorced and separated parents are the same. Evidence from research can help parents and practitioners identify online programs that work rather than ones that are just based on someone’s favorite approach.
• Programs that give parents simple, practical tools to strengthen parenting and reduce conflict between the parents are most likely to reduce children’s behavior problems.
• The eNew Beginnings Program provides an inexpensive but effective opportunity for court professionals and mental health practitioners to help parents promote their children’s resilience following separation and divorce.

An evidence-based online program for divorced and separated parents

Most divorced and separated parents are concerned about their children and ask themselves: “What can I do to protect my children from the problems that often follow divorce?” Although many online parenting-after-divorce programs offer advice, few are backed by solid research that show they actually work.

However, recent research provides new scientific evidence that one online parenting-after-divorce program can provide parents with the help they seek. In the first rigorous evaluation of an online program, this study showed that a brief, online parenting intervention for divorced and separated parents reduced interparental conflict and children’s behavior problems, and improved the quality of parent-child relationships and the effectiveness of parental discipline.

The online program, the eNew Beginnings Program (eNBP), was adapted by researchers Sharlene A. Wolchik and Irwin Sandler from their in-person group program for parents that reduced the mental health problems, drug and alcohol use, and risky sexual behavior of children from divorced families. The program also improved children’s self-esteem, grades, coping, and work competence. Several of the positive changes lasted up to 15 years after the program ended: When the offspring were young adults, they had lower rates of depression, substance use, and painful feelings about the divorce.

Despite the positive effects of the in-person program, few divorced parents could participate because it was expensive for agencies to offer. Moreover, parents faced practical barriers, such as travel, making time in their busy schedules, and finding child care.

Practical tools for parenting after divorce

To make the program affordable, more widely available, and easier for parents to use, Wolchik and Sandler adapted the in-person program into an online version. The eNBP is affordable, and parents can take part on their own time and in the comfort of their own homes. They need only a smartphone, computer, or tablet. The eNBP is a five-hour (20 to 30 minutes per session over 10 weeks) online program that includes all the material in the in-person version. Separate versions of the program were developed for divorced and separated fathers and for divorced and separated mothers.

The eNBP works by teaching parents practical tools to strengthen positive relationships with their children, create and use family rules that reduce the hassles often associated with discipline, and decrease the level of conflict with the other parent (i.e., the ex-partner). The program teaches these tools in a step-by-step, highly interactive way.

For example, sessions begin with a check-in when parents respond to questions about their use of the program tools and are provided with ways to address the challenges they experienced using them. This is followed by teaching a new tool using modeling videos, interactive exercises, and testimonials from prior participants.

The eNBP then prompts parents to set times to use the tool, identify barriers to using it, and select strategies to reduce these barriers. Parents receive downloadable tip sheets on how to address common challenges in using the tools, sheets to record their use of the tools, and handbooks that summarize what was covered in the session.

Photo: Tatiana Syrikova. Pexels.

Positive impacts of the online program on parents and children

The effectiveness of the eNBP was evaluated using the gold standard of program evaluation, a randomized controlled trial. One hundred thirty-one parents were randomly given access to the program or assigned to a waiting list. Parents were recruited from across the United States. Of the parents, 78% were non-Hispanic White, 8% were Hispanic, and 14% were of another race/ethnicity. Parents had various levels of education: 1% had less than GED or high school diploma, 14% a GED or high school diploma, 17% an associate degree, 29% some college or vocational training, and 39% a bachelor’s degree or higher. Annual income ranged from $10,000 to $175,000 (median = $30,001–$40,000). Parents were on average 41 years old; 60% were female. Children averaged 13 years old; 48% were female.

After completing the program, both parents and their children provided information about its effects. Parents and children reported that the program improved the quality of parent-child relationships, increased effective discipline, and reduced symptoms of anxiety and depression in the children. Both parents and children also reported reduced conflict between parents.

The program was equally effective when used by mothers and fathers. The improvements noticed by the children increase confidence in the study’s findings because the children did not take part in the program.

The improvements from the online program were as strong or stronger than those that resulted from the original in-person program, which has had remarkable effects in three randomized controlled trials. The program developers think this may be due to the high level of interactivity of the online program and the ease of using it.

The rate of program completion was also higher for the online than for the in-person program. Among the parents who completed the first session, only 16% finished the in-person version (Sandler et al., 2020), whereas 60% finished the eNBP. Parents were very satisfied with the program. Most felt that it helped them and helped their relationships with their children. And more than 80% of the parents said that family courts should recommend that divorcing or separating parents complete the eNBP.

Who can use the online divorce program?

The program is available in two formats, a 6-week program and a 10-week program. The same material is included in both formats; the 10-week program allows parents more practice and provides them with more feedback about the skills that are taught. The 6-week version is appropriate for those who are taking part in the program to fulfill a parenting class required by the court.

Family courts can use the eNBP in several ways. Family court judges, mediators, and attorneys can use the program as a tool to protect the well-being of children whose parents experience high conflict or are having difficulty developing a parenting plan.

Mental health practitioners can use the program in their work with individual clients. Parents could complete a session at home and then when meeting with the practitioner, the practitioner could address questions and help the parents solve any problems they had using the tools.

In summary, the eNBP is an effective research-based resource for fathers and mothers who want to protect their children following a divorce. It is easy to access and parents enjoy the program, as shown in these comments by parents who took part in the eNBP:

“It got me and my children closer to each other.”

“It was exactly what I needed.”

“There are several tools I used immediately that my kids are big fans of.”

Parents can directly access the program at www.divorceandparenting.com.

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The case for adopting parenting programs into services involving children is as compelling as the link between smoking and cancer.

Parenting programs offer multiple, cost-effective opportunities to transform children’s prospects in profound and lasting ways, often for the rest of their lives.

They are so effective, in fact, that we could be poised for one of the great public health breakthroughs of our time – on a par with fluoridation and with the health gains that spring from cutting smoking, increasing exercise, or eating a healthy diet.

“Our review also highlights that some existing parenting programs are of unproven effectiveness. These should be replaced with support that demonstrably works.”

Parenting support might not seem to be in this league. But an accumulation of recently published high-quality studies of the long-term effects of parenting programs confirms what researchers have increasingly suspected.

This conclusion is based on our review of randomized trials of 22 parenting programs, including two programs that we have developed, that assessed effects from three to fifteen years later. One of the most surprising findings from this review is that the benefits of parenting programs are not restricted to parenting in the first three years of life. Indeed most of these programs strengthened parenting of children in middle childhood and adolescence. The review examined programs that supported parents tackling a range of issues, including helping their children deal with difficulties arising at elementary and high school levels, including avoiding drug abuse and high-risk sexual behavior. Some programs also helped parents who are dealing with extraordinary challenges such divorce, bereavement, poverty, racism and parental depression.

The programs teach parents a wide range of skills, such as increasing positive interactions, communication, discipline, and talking with their children about the risk of drug abuse. The outcomes for children ranged from less aggressive behavior, fewer depressive symptoms and improved school grades to enhanced self-esteem and better concentration.

For example, the New Beginnings Program for divorcing families that we have developed at Arizona State University found that, 15 years after the program ended, children in the program experienced a 69% reduction in the onset of problems such as depression as compared with those in the control group; boys were also significantly less likely to abuse drugs. In addition, children and parents in the program were less likely to have used mental health services or to be involved in the criminal justice system. In that single 15th year, public and health services saved $1,600 per family.

Other parenting programs also showed significant benefits to children many years after they ended. A program to support positive parenting for inner-city preschool-age children showed a 50% reduction in the children’s obesity rate five years later. Family-focused programs delivered in middle school were able to prevent up to 31% of cases of substance abuse by young adulthood. A parenting program for African American families living in rural areas led to improved racial self-pride and reduced high-risk sexual behavior five years later. Evaluations of programs showed a direct causal relationship between the enhanced parenting skills and the improved child outcomes.

The issue now is whether these parenting programs can be taken to scale to improve the lives of children throughout our society. Most of these evaluations were done when the programs were delivered to a relatively small number of families and were led by the program developers. A great deal of work needs to be done to ensure that these programs are of high quality when delivered to large numbers of parents throughout the country. To have a broad effect, they will need to be integrated into social systems that deal with families, such as schools, health care, and family courts, as well as community-based and faith-based groups. Some of these organizations already offer programs for parents, but many of these programs are not supported by evidence that they work. Integrating evidence-based parenting programs into these systems will be challenging. To work well, programs need to be delivered with a high degree of fidelity and quality by trained leaders, and the programs must persuade parents to participate.

Integrating evidence-based parenting programs into community organizations will require collaborations between parenting researchers and community systems. The big question is whether public policy makers will take the long-term view and back programs whose full benefits may not be apparent for years and that may improve outcomes in different areas of people’s lives. For example, if benefits lie partly in reduced adult crime or depression years later, will schools still fund the help?

Some policy makers are choosing to invest in prevention services now rather than pay later for a failure to support parents and children. The state of Washington in the US recently considered whether to build more jails, given the rising prison population. It was faced with huge expense and gathering evidence about the positive effects of prevention programs, including evidence-based parenting programs. So it decided to invest instead in evidence-based services for children and families in order to reduce the need for more jails in the future.

One barrier to widespread use of these programs is that some people see them as blaming parents, or as “nanny state” intrusion into family. That’s not the case. These programs help parents to do what the vast majority want to do for their children. Parenting programs empower parents to help their children succeed. The research evidence of the long-term benefits from well-structured parenting programs indicates that public policy has gained some great assets. We have scientifically validated tools to empower parents to help their children deal more effectively with the complex challenges of modern society.

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