It is possible to build children’s self-esteem without turning them into narcissists, but it requires thought and care.

With individualism so highly prized in Western countries, parents have become increasingly concerned about raising children’s self-esteem. And although self-esteem is important, parents’ ideas about how to instill it may be misguided. In particular, well-intentioned parents may overdo it with lavish praise, which can inflate a child’s narcissism: a sense of one’s importance and entitlement. Somewhere between 4% and 15% of children with narcissistic traits go on to develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Narcissism is not just an exaggerated form of self-esteem; the two are quite distinct. Researchers have defined three key differences: illusion v. realism, superiority v. growth and fragility v. robustness.

Illusion / realism

Narcissistic children hold unrealistically positive views about themselves (‘illusion’). For example, an 11-year-old narcissistic boy “unhesitatingly shared his certainty of becoming president of the United States as soon as he graduated from college with degrees in nuclear physics and brain surgery.” In one piece of research, narcissistic children still believed they had performed extraordinarily well even after failing to complete a challenging puzzle. Adult narcissists can see themselves as geniuses even if their IQ scores are average, think they are superb leaders even if they disrupt group performance, and believe they are attractive even if others disagree.

By contrast, children with high self-esteem have positive but realistic self-views (‘realism’). These children do not over-estimate their performance as much as narcissistic children.

Tips for parents

DO:

• Give children realistic Even if children prefer positive over negative feedback, moderately positive feedback is better than inflated praise. In one test, children who received realistic praise from their parents had fewer depressive symptoms later.

DON’T

• Offer inflated praise, such as using the words “incredible” and “amazing” when describing the child or his/her actions – e.g., “You did incredibly well!” In one study, children whose parents offered them inflated praise were more likely to show narcissistic traits six, 12 and 18 months later.

Superiority / growth

Narcissistic children strive to be better than others, looking down on them (‘superiority’). They may feel little care, concern or empathy for others.

By contrast, children with high self-esteem are likely to be more interested in improving themselves than in outperforming others (‘growth’).

Tips for parents

DO:

• Praise children’s efforts and strategies (e.g., “You found a good way to do it!”)
• If children fail, discuss with them what they could learn from the experience and how they might consider asking for help.

DON’T:

• Pressure children to stand out from others.
• Push children to strive for popularity (e.g., show approval of more likes/friends on social media, or show disapproval of fewer likes/friends).

Fragility / robustness

Narcissistic children display emotional fragility. Experiments show that when such children receive negative feedback ,they feel disappointed in themselves and can manifest shame (e.g., blushing). They may respond to this angrily or aggressively and, over time, shame can spiral into anxiety and depression.

By contrast, children with high self-esteem display more emotional robustness. They can still feel worthy in the face of failure.

Tips for parents

DO:

• Show unconditional regard for children – accept them even when they fail. In one experiment, children were invited to reflect on times when they were accepted and valued by others unconditionally. When these children received a school report card shortly afterwards, they were less likely to feel shame at poor results.
• If children misbehave, correct their behavior but be warm and accepting at the same time.

DON’T:

• Show particular pride when children stand out or be disappointed or hostile when they perform averagely. Children whose parents do this are more likely to show narcissistic traits, such as self-aggrandizement after success and self-devaluation after failure.

All these differences in traits are tendencies – narcissistic children are more or less likely to do some things than children with high self-esteem. The differences do not describe every individual child. For example, some children might strive for both growth and superiority, and others might strive for neither.

The researchers recommend that programs be developed and tested to specifically help parents raise children’s self-esteem and not encourage narcissism. No programs have so far attempted this.

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This is the first study to find a link all the way from early experience of praise to later cognitive ability.

It wasn’t just any praise that made the difference to cognitive development, and still less the amount of talking that parents did with their toddlers. What made a difference was what the researchers call “process praise” – that is, praise emphasising the child’s effort. “You did a great job trying to put that back!” “I like it when you do it all different colors.” Process praise is different from “person” praise, like “good girl!” and “you are smart!”

The link between this kind of early praise and later achievement was found via children’s belief that intelligence is malleable and open to change through effort. This was measured when the children were eight.

The study makes a strong case that parents and teachers should emphasise praise for effort with toddlers to improve their cognitive development.

The science: praise and cognitive development

Earlier research by the same team found that process praise early in life is associated with a belief that intelligence is malleable at the age of seven to eight. The researchers call this belief an “incremental motivational framework” or an “incremental mindset”. Children who have an incremental mindset and believe that achievement is related to effort rather than just ability are more likely to sustain effort in the face of difficulty. They are also more likely to seek challenges and increase their ability.

In contrast, children who believe intelligence is fixed may do well in subjects that come easily. They will struggle, however, to remain motivated when challenged. They are more likely to be afraid that failure exposes their fixed inability.

Other research has also found a link between belief in malleable intelligence and academic achievement in elementary and middle school.

The link has a cumulative effect on cognitive development. A difference in academic achievement at the age of eight between children who approach things with an incremental mindset and children who have a fixed mindset is likely to grow bigger over time. Children with an incremental mindset are more likely to capitalise on each learning opportunity. In response to setbacks, they will increase engagement rather than back off. They will enjoy challenges more.

The study followed 53 children for seven years, starting in toddlerhood. Parents’ praise was measured at one, two, and three years old. The children’s motivational framework was assessed when they were seven to eight. Two things were examined in particular at this stage.

• Beliefs about the fixed/malleable nature of intelligence.
• Preference for challenging versus easy tasks in order to achieve goals.

The children’s achievement in math and reading comprehension – achievements that are strongly influenced by effort – was measured when they were nine to 10 years old.

The findings

Analysing the scores from the three different stages, the researchers found a cognitive development pathway from early process praise at ages one to three, to incremental motivation at ages seven to eight, to academic performance at ages nine to 10.

Of the two types of incremental motivation measured at eight years old – belief in malleable intelligence and willingness to tackle more difficult challenges – only the belief in malleable intelligence was significant. That is, the child’s mindset appears to be the significant factor.

Parents’ socioeconomic status made a difference to children’s achievement; children of parents with low status achieve less. Nevertheless, the association between early praise for effort and later academic achievement was found at all socioeconomic levels.

Similarly, the link between early process praise and later academic achievement held true for both boys and girls. But the researchers found that boy toddlers tend to receive more process praise than girl toddlers, and that boys have slightly stronger incremental motivation at eight years old and show higher achievement in math at nine and 10, on average.

Children who do better at age eight are likely to be doing better at nine and 10. In this study, the gap between children who had received more early process praise and those who received less grew even wider.

What does this mean for child cognitive development practice and policy?

Though the sample size was small (53 children), it was socially diverse and specialised statistical techniques clearly revealed indirect effects in the data. Only a bigger study could determine if the results would be replicated in a wider population.

Nevertheless, the results provide a good case for incorporating a mindset approach in work with parents and teachers to promote cognitive development in toddlers and young children.  Parents in particular could be taught about the value of process praise. But we should be mindful of the risk of communicating that any kind of praise is what counts. For example, hyperbolic over-praise (“that was an incredibly amazing catch”) can discourage children from taking on challenges, especially children with low self-esteem.

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When parents and teachers focus on students’ process of learning more than on their raw talent, they foster positive growth mindsets.

A child achieves a high math score. “You’re so smart,” says the teacher, praising her. A child flunks a test and a parent offers support for his learning: “Never mind,” says the parent comfortingly. “You tried your best.”

These are typical examples of well-intentioned adults trying to help children. The grown-ups in these instances have progressive ideas: they recognize that emotional well-being is crucial for learning. Yet, like many parents and teachers, they’re not necessarily helping either child in the long run. What they said may actually discourage learning by bolstering unhelpful mindsets.

Research shows that praising personal attributes tends to make children think they have a certain amount of ability and can’t do much to change it. That’s called a “fixed mindset”. Focusing instead on the process of learning is more likely to help children develop in the long run.

Studies have found that praising children’s intelligence and natural ability – saying things like “You’re so smart” – though it sounds encouraging, may ultimately lead children to reject hard tasks in favor of easier ones that pose no threat to their “smartness”. Later, when given harder problems, these children are more likely to believe that the difficulty they’re having reflects poorly on their intelligence. If success means they are smart, failure implies that they are not, so they may stop trying.

“‘You’re so smart’ – though it sounds encouraging – may be the wrong approach. It can ultimately lead children to reject hard tasks in favor of easier ones that pose no threat to their ‘smartness.’”

The prognosis for learning is also undermined for the child who is praised for doing their best after failing the math test. Here the parent is applauding effort but saying that the child’s best effort is a failure, implying that the child can never do better. Once more, adults may inadvertently encourage children to develop a fixed mindset about their abilities, which may diminish their capacity to learn in the future.

Consequences for lifelong learning

These research findings matter a great deal. Today’s educational systems are meant to be shifting from traditional models of simply imparting knowledge to a new goal of fostering lifelong learning. This shift is vital so that people will be able to adapt throughout their lives to rapidly changing economies. To this end, children need parents and teachers who give them helpful messages about their capacity to learn and grow, especially when they struggle at first.

However, mindsets’ research questions the design of some education systems which, while typically espousing goals of lifelong learning, may inadvertently do just the opposite by teaching to high-stakes tests. These may send the message that what’s valued most are fixed aptitudes being measured with one test. Such assessment systems can demotivate many students who have the ability to improve and learn, but who may come away with a fixed mindset, believing that they can’t do any better, thus damaging their future prospects. Pressure to perform may be highly counterproductive in the long run, even when it comes to test scores.

Positive approaches to learning require parents, teachers and education systems that foster “growth mindsets” in students – the belief that they can develop their ability through hard work, good strategies and instruction from others. Numerous studies have demonstrated that children who hold such beliefs are more open to learning and perform better academically. For instance, in a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, Susana Claro and colleagues surveyed all the 10th grade students in Chile and found that across all income levels, the more students held a growth mindset, the better they performed on standardized tests.

Photo: Matt Marquez. Creative Commons.

Developing growth mindsets

The good news is that growth mindsets can be nurtured. Studies show that interventions which directly teach a growth mindset can improve students’ achievement over time. These programs convey to students that their brains can grow stronger by taking on hard tasks and persisting. How, though, do these mindsets develop naturally?

Researchers are still discovering new ways to foster such mindsets in school and at home, but we know that the way adults respond to children’s successes and failures plays a role. Children’s growth mindsets develop when adults focus not simply on students’ personal traits and abilities, but on the process and strategies students use in their learning.

The bad news is that adults’ own growth mindsets are often not passed on to children. Recent research shows that parents and teachers who have growth mindsets themselves may not foster it in their children. Like others, they are prone to falling into the trap of focusing on personal traits that can lead to fixed mindsets and less openness to adventurous learning.

Adult attitudes to failure influence mindsets

Adults should be aware of how they speak and interact with children. A key issue appears to be considering their attitudes to failure. My research with Carol Dweck has found that parents who viewed failure as a chance to learn were more likely to respond by focusing on their children’s process of learning, thus encouraging a growth mindset. They tended to discuss what children could learn from the experience of failure, how they could study their mistakes to improve, and how they might consider asking for help from the teacher. These parents were less likely to respond to failure with concerns about their children’s lack of abilities, and less likely to pity them or comfort them for not having enough ability.

“Children need parents and teachers who give them helpful messages about their capacity to learn, even if they struggle at first.”

In the classroom, recent studies have shown that teachers who successfully foster growth mindsets in their students tend to discuss how struggle, effort, and negative emotions like frustration are natural and useful parts of the learning process. “Confusion in math can happen,” explained one teacher. “And that confusion can be beautiful.”

Interestingly, these teachers tend to frame themselves as working together with the students, sharing accountability for their learning process: “Together, we will make sure you master this.” In contrast, teachers whose students had more fixed mindsets tended to emphasize that students should try hard on their own. This research suggests that a sense of shared responsibility for the learning process may help students avoid seeing their setbacks as a sign of their own personal shortcomings, so that failure doesn’t inhibit their learning in the future.

We have much yet to learn about fostering mindsets that help students learn more in school and later in life. But it’s clear that educators need to structure school environments to promote and value learning processes that are linked to learning outcomes, rather than simply focusing on children’s raw abilities and talent.

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This research suggests rethinking the tendency in Western countries to try to cure low self-esteem with excessive praise.

Four times at six-month intervals, the children completed a questionnaire at school that assessed their self-esteem and tendency towards narcissism. Five weeks after the first assessment, parents were asked to administer 12 mathematics exercises to their children. These sessions were videotaped and assessed for extremely positive, inflated praise, which includes words like “extremely”, “incredibly”, “amazing”, and “fantastic”.

Children with lower self-esteem received inflated praise from their parents more often, and this, in turn, predicted lower self-esteem over time. Inflated praise also predicted lower self-esteem in children with high self-esteem, but these children were exposed to less of it.

Inflated praise also predicted higher narcissism, but only in children with high initial levels of self-esteem to start with.

The study shows that parents’ well-meant attempts to bolster self-esteem in children can backfire. It also shows that children with low self-esteem are more likely to attract inflated praise, creating a damaging negative feedback loop.

Why does inflated praise lead to lower self-esteem? This research supports the idea that such praise sets unattainable standards that gradually undermine children’s confidence over time as they encounter life’s inevitable difficulties. In children with high self-esteem, perhaps inflated praise encourages them to think that they are, indeed, amazing and incredible.

See also on Child and Family Blog by one of the same authors, Well-meant praise can discourage children.

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Why do they have such different reactions? Children with a fixed mindset tend to see difficulty or failure as a reflection of their fixed ability – something they cannot control. But those with a growth mindset see difficulty as something they can surmount through new strategies and effort; this is how they grow their abilities.

In a very young child, a mindset can be influenced by how adults respond to a child’s mistake. Most kindergarten children do not mind if they make a mistake (unlike children two years older), but if an adult is present and criticises the mistake, about one-third of the children in one experiment showed some aspects of a helpless reaction. They felt like “bad” children and had formed the belief that badness is a fixed trait.

An opposite adult response—praise for a child’s intelligence—has a similar end result. Though nice for the child when the praise is delivered, this approach can encourage a fixed mindset, with a focus on immediate success and a tendency to give up in the face of a difficult task later on.

Instead, praise needs to be focused on the process the child is engaged in – the effort, the strategy, the focus, the persistence. This kind of praise increases perseverance and performance.

Students can be taught to change to a growth mindset. Thirteen-year-olds who took an eight-lesson mindset course performed better and were more motivated than children in a control group. A shorter course consisting of just one or two lessons online, which has been delivered to thousands of children, has produced positive results on achievement for lower achievers and more challenge-seeking across all achievement levels. The courses are carefully constructed to promote student involvement – students are told they are helping to develop the program, they are asked for their opinion and feedback, they are asked to write a mentor letter to a struggling student, and the neuroscience of learning is explained to them (that learning a new task builds neural connections and can increase intellectual abilities).

The method has been used in disadvantaged communities – inner-city areas and on Ntive American reservations in USA—to motivate students and improve performance. A growth mindset approach, therefore, can potentially make a big contribution to equality.

The assumption that adults who endorse a growth mindset approach will treat their children in a way that promotes a similar growth mindset has, surprisingly, proved to be false – there is little correlation between mindsets of parents and children and of teachers and their students. Some parents with a growth mindset themselves can respond to their child’s setbacks not with learning-oriented suggestions but with anxiety and concern about the child’s ability, which can transmit a fixed mindset to the child.

The post Changing children’s life chances: teaching a growth mindset appeared first on Child and Family Blog.

Research shows that inflated and person-focused praise can undermine motivation in children with low self-esteem.

Parenting books may need to be rewritten in light of research showing that parents and teachers praise children with low self-esteem in ways that may eventually lower their motivation and feelings of self-worth.

We’ve found that certain types of praise can negatively affect child development, especially in children with low self-esteem—those who seem to need praise the most. In an attempt to raise these children’s self-esteem, adults often give them person praise, such as saying “You’re smart”, as well as inflated praise, such as saying “That’s incredibly beautiful”. Paradoxically, we have found that such praise can lower these children’s motivation and feelings of self-worth when they struggle or fail. So they may be put off trying new or difficult tasks. Ironically, children with lowered feelings of self-worth may then find that adults lavish more of this inappropriate praise on them, further diminishing their self-worth. A self-sustaining downward spiral may be established.

“Instead of praising children’s fixed qualities, celebrate the strategies they’ve used to achieve their outcomes. So when a child earns high grades in mathematics, praise the effort the child put into learning and practising to achieve such a wonderful outcome. And keep the praise moderate, rather than inflated, so children won’t feel pressured to perform ‘incredibly well’ all the time.”

Praise Can Discourage Children

Here’s a typical example of the problem, described by psychologist and educator Haim Ginott in his book Between Parent and Child. When 12-year-old Linda arrived at the third level of her video game, her father exclaimed, “You’re great! You have perfect coordination! You’re an expert player.” Linda lost interest and walked away. Her father’s praise made it difficult for her to continue because she said to herself, “Dad thinks I’m a great player, but I’m no expert. I made the third level by luck. If I try again, I may not even make the second level. It is better to quit while I’m ahead.”

Person Praise Backfires

Adults seem particularly inclined to give person praise to children with low self-esteem. In one of our studies, parents read scenarios involving children with either high or low self-esteem, such as: “Sarah is often happy with herself. She has just made a drawing.” Parents wrote down the praise they would give. Parents gave children with low self-esteem more than twice as much person praise (30%) (such as “You’re great!”) as they gave children with high self-esteem (14%). By contrast, they gave those with low self-worth somewhat less process praise (such as “You worked really hard at this!”).

Person praise can have adverse effects, as Carol Dweck of Stanford University and her colleagues have demonstrated in several landmark experiments. In our own research, we found that the effects can be especially adverse for children with low self-esteem. We did an experiment where children reported their self-esteem and then played a competitive game. They were randomly assigned to receive person praise, process praise, or no praise after practicing the game. Children were then randomly assigned to succeed or fail at the game. As predicted, person praise caused children, especially those with low self-esteem, to feel down about themselves. Process praise did not have an adverse effect.

Inflated Praise Can Also Backfire

Adults sometimes also try to raise self-esteem by giving overly positive, inflated praise. Instead of telling children that they did well, for example, adults may tell them that they did incredibly well. In one of our studies, adults read scenarios involving children with high or low self-esteem, and they wrote down the praise they would give. Adults gave children with low self-esteem more inflated praise (33%) than they gave children with high self-esteem (18%). We replicated these findings in home observations of actual parent-child interactions.

The effects of such tendencies among adults are revealed in another of our studies. In this experiment, children answered questions to establish their level of self-esteem and were then invited to draw a painting, Wild Roses by Vincent van Gogh. Each drawing was ostensibly evaluated by a professional painter. Children were randomly assigned to receive inflated praise (“You made an incredibly beautiful drawing!”), non-inflated praise (“You made a beautiful drawing!”), or no praise.

Later, children were presented with pairs of drawings. From each pair, they chose which one to draw. One was a simple drawing about which they were told: “You won’t make many mistakes, but you won’t learn much either”. The other was a complex drawing about which they were told: “You might make many mistakes, but you’ll definitely learn a lot, too”. As predicted, the inflated praise led children with low self-esteem to choose the simpler drawings. Non-inflated praise, however, led them to choose more complex drawings. So the adults, motivated to counteract children’s low self-esteem, found that their strategy did not work as intended. The outcome, however, was different for children with high self-esteem, who felt encouraged by inflated praise to take on challenges.

What do person praise and inflated praise have in common that makes them backfire in children with low self-esteem? We suggest that, in the face of such praise, children become driven by the desire to gain or avoid losing self-worth. So when they think they might fail, they will avoid the task and miss out on the crucial learning processes. And when they struggle with a task or experience failure, they may infer that they are worthless, unable to live up to the image described by those praising them. Thus can person praise and inflated praise worsen the problem that they were intended to resolve.

It’s Easy To Make These Mistakes

Why do well-meaning adults continue to praise children with low self-esteem in inflated and person-focused ways? When adults give such praise, children’s initial response is most likely positive—smiling, sitting upright, and looking confident. This initial positive response can reinforce adults’ use of these types of praise. But adults might not recognize when, later, this praise leads to harmful effects in the face of struggles or setbacks, for these effects are counterintuitive and can occur long after the praise has been given. Thus, while the immediate positive effects of person praise and inflated praise seem obvious, their longer-term harmful effects may fly under the radar.

The process is perhaps easier to appreciate if you consider how other, also seemingly well-intended, practices by adults can have unintended consequences. Sometimes adults display affection and appreciation of a child chiefly when the child has done something good. Studies by Avi Assor and Guy Roth of Ben-Gurion University and their colleagues have shown that such conditional love can be harmful. Although adults may believe it will spark children’s motivation, conditional love can convey to children that they are worthy when they succeed but worthless when they fail. This may put stifling pressure on children to excel and thus undermine their intrinsic motivation. Again, what seems like common sense can lead well-intentioned adults to rely on counterproductive practices.

How Parents & Teachers Can Improve Praising Children

So, how should parents – as well as others who care for children, such as teachers – improve the way they praise children? Use process praise instead of person praise. Instead of praising children’s fixed qualities, celebrate the strategies they’ve used to achieve their outcomes. So when a child earns high grades in mathematics, praise the effort the child put into learning and practising to achieve such a wonderful outcome. By doing so, parents and teachers focus children on the actions that lead to success, and teach them that they can learn and improve themselves. And keep the praise moderate, rather than inflated, so children won’t feel pressured to perform “incredibly well” all the time. By giving moderate praise, parents and teachers set realistic standards for children.

It’s quite easy to give praise. But children with low self-esteem may need more than that. In recent research, we have shown that an important predictor of low self-worth is a lack of warmth and affection that children receive from parents. In some cases, it might be more important to build better relationships with children than to give praise. Parents might spend more time with them, show more interest in what they’re doing, and demonstrate that they value their company. Parents can thus convey to children that they are valued for who they are, regardless of their achievements.

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