• Interparental conflict after divorce escalates the risk of mental health problems in children and adolescents.
• Elevated levels of conflict between parents can also induce fear and worry in children about their future and whether they will be adequately taken care of. In turn, a greater fear of abandonment puts children at greater risk of mental health problems.
• Parents can protect their children’s mental health by adopting strategies that shield them from conflict and that assure them that they will be well cared for no matter what happens.
• Developing programs to help children and adolescents cope effectively with interparental conflicts is a pivotal step toward safeguarding their well-being.

This article on the mental health implications for children caught between highly conflicted divorced parents will cover the following key points:

1. Protecting children in the emotional storm of divorce
2. Linking conflict to children’s mental health problems
3. Exploring the role of children’s fear of abandonment
4. Does high-quality parenting reduce the negative effects of interparental conflict on fear of abandonment?
5. Reducing the harmful effects of interparental conflict on youth’s mental health by supporting both parents and children

1. Protecting children in the emotional storm of divorce

In most divorces, parents make many important decisions: How much time will the children spend with each parent? Will the children change schools? Who will make decisions about medical and educational issues? These and other issues can be very emotional, so it is natural for many separating and divorcing parents to experience conflict.

Shielding youth from parental conflict is undeniably challenging. Children might witness or overhear arguments, or they might sense tension in more subtle ways during one-on-one interactions with a parent. Simple remarks can inadvertently place children in a difficult position and make them feel torn between both sides.

Children exposed to more frequent and intense parental conflict in the first years after divorce were more than two and a half times more likely to develop a mental health disorder six years later than were peers whose parents were also divorced but who had experienced less frequent and less intense conflict.

Phrases like “I can’t believe your mom went out with her friends instead of spending time with you” can foster feelings of being caught in the middle.

Similarly, asking children and teenagers to relay messages (e.g., “Tell your dad I need to change the time I pick you up next week”) or pressing them for information about the other parent (e.g., “Who else was at your mom’s with you today?” “What did you have for dinner at your dad’s last night?”) make children feel they need to take sides.

2. Linking conflict to children’s mental health problems

There is a well-established link between high levels of interparental conflict and the development of mental health problems in children and adolescents, including anxiety, depression, and aggression.

For example, in one of our studies, of 240 nine- to 12-year-olds, we assessed patterns of child-reported conflict over six to eight years following divorce.

The study was conducted in the United States; 88% of mothers were Caucasian, 8% were Hispanic, 2% were African American, and 1% were Asian; median yearly income ranged from $20,001 to $25,000 (equivalent to approximately $45,000 to $56,000 today), and 47% of mothers reported completing some college courses.

More intense parental conflict leads to to worse mental health

Children exposed to more frequent and intense parental conflict in the first years after divorce were more than two and a half times more likely to develop a mental health disorder six years later than were peers whose parents were also divorced but who had experienced less frequent and less intense conflict.

But despite the clear connection between conflict and mental health problems, we do not yet understand how and why this link occurs. To help families navigate the process of separation and divorce and to protect children’s mental health, we must understand this process more thoroughly.

Photo: rubberduck1951. Pixabay.

3. Exploring the role of children’s fear of abandonment

One potential explanation for the link is that witnessing frequent conflicts makes children fear abandonment or worry about whether they will receive adequate care from one or both parents.

In a recent study, of 559 youth ages nine to 18 who had experienced a parental separation or divorce in the previous two years, we addressed a few important questions about conflict and fear of abandonment. Our goal was to help experts create better programs for families going through separation and divorce.

First, we asked whether children and adolescents were more afraid of being left alone or not taken care of properly when there was more conflict between parents.

Next, we explored whether a greater fear of abandonment correlated with increased mental health problems. Finally, we explored whether high-quality parenting protected children from fear of abandonment, even when there was a lot of conflict between parents.

The emergence of the fear of abandonment

Fear of abandonment emerged as a key explanation for the heightened risk of mental health problems. Exposure to elevated levels of conflict made children and adolescents more prone to fearing abandonment three months later. This heightened fear, in turn, was associated with an increase in mental health problems 10 months later.

This finding remained the same even after accounting for previous mental health problems. Fear of abandonment may get in the way of children and adolescents coping effectively with stress, distract them from developmental goals, or push them toward potentially harmful peer groups that encourage antisocial behaviors.

Fear of abandonment emerged as a key explanation for the heightened risk of mental health problems.

4. Does high-quality parenting reduce the negative effects of interparental conflict on fear of abandonment?

Research shows that high-quality parenting is a very strong protective factor for all children, especially those who experience separation or divorce.

High-quality parenting is defined as parenting that is responsive, close, accepting, supportive, and encouraging, and is characterized by a generally positive emotional relationship between parent and child.

Research also indicates that high-quality parenting can lessen the impact of divorce-related stressors on children’s mental health problems. With this in mind, we anticipated that high-quality parenting could counterbalance the adverse effects of high levels of conflict between parents.

Surprisingly, when we examined the protective role of high-quality parenting in our study, this did not happen. Even though high-quality parenting was somewhat protective for the children and adolescents we studied, it may not have been powerful enough to cancel out the harmful effects of high levels of conflict.

5. Reducing the harmful effects of interparental conflict on youth’s mental health by supporting both parents and children

How can the harmful effects of interparental conflict on children’s and adolescents’ mental health be reduced? A focus on both parents and children is important. Here are two suggestions.

Photo: Kindel Media. Pexels.

First, researchers and clinicians need to help separated and divorced parents access programs that give them the tools to reduce their children’s exposure to conflict.

In rigorous evaluations, few in-person or online programs for separated or divorced parents have reduced children’s exposure to interparental conflict. One exception is the eNew Beginnings Program (eNBP), which was developed by one of the authors (Wolchik et al., 2022).

In the eNBP, parents learn practical strategies to protect their children from witnessing interparental conflict; they also learn how to refrain from sharing negative comments about the other parent with the child and asking the child to relay messages to the other parent.

To help reduce the fear of abandonment, parents let their children know that they will always be there for them and that parents never divorce children.

Second, researchers need to develop and test programs that help children cope effectively with the difficult thoughts and feelings that arise when parents fight or say things that make children feel they need to take sides. Research funded by the National Institute of Mental Health is underway to develop a program to help children cope effectively with interparental conflict.

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• A brief, online program can help parents promote their children’s resilience following separation and divorce.
• Not all online programs for divorced and separated parents are the same. Evidence from research can help parents and practitioners identify online programs that work rather than ones that are just based on someone’s favorite approach.
• Programs that give parents simple, practical tools to strengthen parenting and reduce conflict between the parents are most likely to reduce children’s behavior problems.
• The eNew Beginnings Program provides an inexpensive but effective opportunity for court professionals and mental health practitioners to help parents promote their children’s resilience following separation and divorce.

An evidence-based online program for divorced and separated parents

Most divorced and separated parents are concerned about their children and ask themselves: “What can I do to protect my children from the problems that often follow divorce?” Although many online parenting-after-divorce programs offer advice, few are backed by solid research that show they actually work.

However, recent research provides new scientific evidence that one online parenting-after-divorce program can provide parents with the help they seek. In the first rigorous evaluation of an online program, this study showed that a brief, online parenting intervention for divorced and separated parents reduced interparental conflict and children’s behavior problems, and improved the quality of parent-child relationships and the effectiveness of parental discipline.

The online program, the eNew Beginnings Program (eNBP), was adapted by researchers Sharlene A. Wolchik and Irwin Sandler from their in-person group program for parents that reduced the mental health problems, drug and alcohol use, and risky sexual behavior of children from divorced families. The program also improved children’s self-esteem, grades, coping, and work competence. Several of the positive changes lasted up to 15 years after the program ended: When the offspring were young adults, they had lower rates of depression, substance use, and painful feelings about the divorce.

Despite the positive effects of the in-person program, few divorced parents could participate because it was expensive for agencies to offer. Moreover, parents faced practical barriers, such as travel, making time in their busy schedules, and finding child care.

Practical tools for parenting after divorce

To make the program affordable, more widely available, and easier for parents to use, Wolchik and Sandler adapted the in-person program into an online version. The eNBP is affordable, and parents can take part on their own time and in the comfort of their own homes. They need only a smartphone, computer, or tablet. The eNBP is a five-hour (20 to 30 minutes per session over 10 weeks) online program that includes all the material in the in-person version. Separate versions of the program were developed for divorced and separated fathers and for divorced and separated mothers.

The eNBP works by teaching parents practical tools to strengthen positive relationships with their children, create and use family rules that reduce the hassles often associated with discipline, and decrease the level of conflict with the other parent (i.e., the ex-partner). The program teaches these tools in a step-by-step, highly interactive way.

For example, sessions begin with a check-in when parents respond to questions about their use of the program tools and are provided with ways to address the challenges they experienced using them. This is followed by teaching a new tool using modeling videos, interactive exercises, and testimonials from prior participants.

The eNBP then prompts parents to set times to use the tool, identify barriers to using it, and select strategies to reduce these barriers. Parents receive downloadable tip sheets on how to address common challenges in using the tools, sheets to record their use of the tools, and handbooks that summarize what was covered in the session.

Photo: Tatiana Syrikova. Pexels.

Positive impacts of the online program on parents and children

The effectiveness of the eNBP was evaluated using the gold standard of program evaluation, a randomized controlled trial. One hundred thirty-one parents were randomly given access to the program or assigned to a waiting list. Parents were recruited from across the United States. Of the parents, 78% were non-Hispanic White, 8% were Hispanic, and 14% were of another race/ethnicity. Parents had various levels of education: 1% had less than GED or high school diploma, 14% a GED or high school diploma, 17% an associate degree, 29% some college or vocational training, and 39% a bachelor’s degree or higher. Annual income ranged from $10,000 to $175,000 (median = $30,001–$40,000). Parents were on average 41 years old; 60% were female. Children averaged 13 years old; 48% were female.

After completing the program, both parents and their children provided information about its effects. Parents and children reported that the program improved the quality of parent-child relationships, increased effective discipline, and reduced symptoms of anxiety and depression in the children. Both parents and children also reported reduced conflict between parents.

The program was equally effective when used by mothers and fathers. The improvements noticed by the children increase confidence in the study’s findings because the children did not take part in the program.

The improvements from the online program were as strong or stronger than those that resulted from the original in-person program, which has had remarkable effects in three randomized controlled trials. The program developers think this may be due to the high level of interactivity of the online program and the ease of using it.

The rate of program completion was also higher for the online than for the in-person program. Among the parents who completed the first session, only 16% finished the in-person version (Sandler et al., 2020), whereas 60% finished the eNBP. Parents were very satisfied with the program. Most felt that it helped them and helped their relationships with their children. And more than 80% of the parents said that family courts should recommend that divorcing or separating parents complete the eNBP.

Who can use the online divorce program?

The program is available in two formats, a 6-week program and a 10-week program. The same material is included in both formats; the 10-week program allows parents more practice and provides them with more feedback about the skills that are taught. The 6-week version is appropriate for those who are taking part in the program to fulfill a parenting class required by the court.

Family courts can use the eNBP in several ways. Family court judges, mediators, and attorneys can use the program as a tool to protect the well-being of children whose parents experience high conflict or are having difficulty developing a parenting plan.

Mental health practitioners can use the program in their work with individual clients. Parents could complete a session at home and then when meeting with the practitioner, the practitioner could address questions and help the parents solve any problems they had using the tools.

In summary, the eNBP is an effective research-based resource for fathers and mothers who want to protect their children following a divorce. It is easy to access and parents enjoy the program, as shown in these comments by parents who took part in the eNBP:

“It got me and my children closer to each other.”

“It was exactly what I needed.”

“There are several tools I used immediately that my kids are big fans of.”

Parents can directly access the program at www.divorceandparenting.com.

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A consistent theme in family adaptation is the family’s ability to make sense of their experience. When a caregiver is away at war, the stress on the family is immediate and can have lasting effects, especially on very young children.

Family Stress

Families of service members deployed to war are forced to live with both the hope and expectation of a safe return and the acute awareness of possible loss of life. During times of war, risk varies for different family members and different family systems.

“When a caregiver is away at war, the stress on the family is immediate and can have lasting effects, especially on very young children.”

Stressful life events and normative life events before notification of deployment, during separation, and after reunion contribute to the overall adaptation of the family.

Individuals who have strong connections to family and community support and can identify and use these supports adapt to the changes and continue to thrive after deployment. For others, the cumulative and chronic nature of stressors on their family system increases uncertainty about individual and family well-being.

Infants and toddlers also experience separation and loss, but their needs can be overlooked when caring adults are overwhelmed and assume that children will not remember this time. Yet the young are the most vulnerable.

Separation during deployment affects an infant’s attachment relationship with the service member. Boundary ambiguity about who is in or out of the family, as well as both visible and invisible wounds of war, represent other losses in the parent-child relationship.

Injuries sustained in war may be visible or invisible to children. Invisible injuries are more difficult for children to understand because there are no obvious physical signs.

Invisible injuries such as post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD), traumatic brain injury, and depression can harm the quality of the parent-child relationship because these wounds often are associated with parental irritability, rapid mood swings, emotional numbing, memory loss, and lack of behavior control.

Any of these can enhance children’s risk for disorganized attachment, psychological distress, emotion and behavior dysregulation, and poor health and well-being.

Children growing up in homes with a depressed parent are at increased risk for depression themselves, as are children raised by parents with substance abuse disorders, especially when they occur with high levels of aggression and violence. Children traumatized by parental violence may themselves develop symptoms of PTSD.

Separation during deployment affects an infant’s attachment relationship with the service member.

The nature of the invisible injury may directly harm family functioning and the quality of parent-child relationships necessary for promoting optimal child development. While all types of parental combat injuries influence various components of family functioning, evidence suggests that families are more resilient when there are visible wounds and struggle more with changes related to invisible ones.

Ambiguous Loss

The realities of stress on non-deployed parents can make it difficult for them to be emotionally present with their child during and after deployment. Uncertainty about the extent of the loss and the inability to bring closure to these losses make them ambiguous.

Psychologists describe two types of ambiguous loss: when a loved one is physically absent but psychologically present, and when a loved one is physically present but psychologically absent.

The concept of ambiguous loss became significant when research with families of U.S. military sent to fight in the Vietnam War looked at the psychological presence of a father declared missing in action.

Studies showed that the effect of the father’s absence was influenced by the mother’s adjustment in the first few years after receiving notification of the father’s missing-in-action status. Later studies revealed that ambiguous loss during a parent’s deployment changed not only children’s relationship with the deployed parent but also their relationship with the non-deployed parent.

During Deployment

Certainly, both deployed parents and children at home experience the loss of shared developmental milestones (e.g., first smile, step, word). Lengthy separations are thought to have greater implications for young children, who are developmentally unable to process the cause of the separation, time of the parent’s absence, or explanations of the parent’s return.

When the service member is absent, the non-deployed caregiver and that caregiver’s attunement to the developmental milestones of the child or the impact of stressors on the young child are critical for normal attachment and development of young children.

“Infants and toddlers also experience separation and loss, but their needs can be overlooked when caring adults are overwhelmed.”

Ongoing fear for the loved one’s safety and a fixation on the war can result in the non-deployed parent or caregiver being psychologically absent during the deployment.

While they are physically present, they may be unable to maintain normal routines or care for children. For these adults, feelings of despair can lead to ambivalence, guilt, anxiety, depression, and incapacitation.

Boundary ambiguity about who is in or out of the family unit or what roles individuals play in a family can be conceptualized on a continuum with varying degrees of psychological presence or absence, as well as changing physical presence or absence.

When a parent is deployed or absent from the home for an extended period, other family members assume their roles within the family and may not be interested in relinquishing some of those responsibilities when the service member returns.

Reunion

Community supports in place during deployment might assume that once the service member is home, life will quickly return to normal. However, when service members return, they have to deal with not only their wartime experiences but also the loss of family as they knew it prior to their deployment.

Many become acutely aware of developmental milestones missed and the ability of the family to go on without them. As the boundaries of who is in or out of the family change and the future seems uncertain, families may experience turmoil.

Building an attachment relationship is influenced by parents’ ability to be both physically and psychologically present for their child during all phases of the deployment cycle, including the reunion and reintegration of family.

When service members return, they have to deal with not only their wartime experiences but also the loss of family as they knew it prior to their deployment.

Military families and community support need to understand and normalize bodily responses to chronic stress and how these responses create ambiguity.

The stress response that activated to help the service member or at-home caregiver survive their stressful experience takes a toll on the human body. Over time, the endemic stress affects bodily functions like heart rate, blood pressure, immunity, sleep, attention, and moods.

Furthermore, thinking about negative events that happened in the past or fearing for the future can continue to hijack the stress response, making it more difficult to manage everyday relationships.

When parents are consumed with thoughts and fears, they are unable to be present and attuned to their child in the moment, that is, they might be physically present but psychologically absent. This can happen at any stage of the deployment cycle.

Family Functioning

When parents experience stress that takes them away from being attuned to and present with their children, there is strength is seeking help from professionals. Meaningful treatment focused on the injury, role changes, and loss of personal and family dreams is central in the process of healing.

A multi-level, systemic, resilience-building approach is needed to strengthen family and community resources, rather than focusing solely on individual deficits. Considering parents’ combat injuries, interventions should respect individual, family, military, and community differences.

Having strong social support facilitates better adjustment for the injured and has a buffering effect on the family. When social supports reduce the stress experienced by the military family, the parent can focus on being emotionally responsive and attuned to the needs of their child.

“When service members return, they have to deal with not only their wartime experiences but also the loss of family as they knew it prior to their deployment.”

The early life trajectory is shaped largely by infants’ relational world of family, community, and life contexts.

During times of stress, parents can provide comfort and security for their children by establishing and maintaining routines. Age-appropriate tasks may help children feel that they are contributing positively to the family.

Children need to make sense of what the stress means for their life. When adults communicate age-appropriate information, it supports children’s intuitive sense that something is wrong.

Parents can also create an environment where the child knows it is acceptable to ask questions. What children want and need to know changes as they grow. Children express a broad range of emotions, and they often need their caregivers to help them name and regulate their emotions.

Child development studies consistently promote the benefits of children maintaining a relationship with both parents. Children need the adults in their life to plan activities and rituals that help them feel connected to a parent who is physically absent.

During wartime deployments, events inevitably occur outside families’ control. Family members’ beliefs, values, goals, and perceptions of themselves in the context of their community may influence whether the family views their situation as manageable.

Community supports can focus on reducing parental stress, mitigating mental health challenges, building confidence in parents’ engagement, and supporting strategies that enable parents to live in ways that are consistent with their values.

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My colleagues and I have learned a lot about child development in different cultural contexts, as well as about how parenting changes as children develop. In 2008, we recruited 8-year-olds and their mothers and fathers in nine countries (China, Colombia, Italy, Jordan, Kenya, the Philippines, Sweden, Thailand, and the United States) as part of a long-term study of parenting and child development. We have interviewed the children and their parents annually since that time, and the children are now young adults.

Based on our findings, here are some of the ways parenting has changed over time.

Warmth and control

Warmth captures the dimension of parenting related to providing love, affection, and acceptance. Behavioral control captures the dimension of parenting related to parents’ attempts to regulate their children’s behavior and socialize them to become well-functioning members of their society. Although warmth appears to be a universally positive aspect of parenting, behavioral control appears to be more culturally variable. Across cultural groups, parents’ warmth and behavioral control generally decrease as their children move through adolescence.

Programs can emphasize the importance of demonstrating warmth to make children feel loved and accepted.

It may be more difficult for parents to continue displaying high levels of warmth as children transition to adolescence and there is more frequent and intense conflict in the parent-child relationship. An increase in such conflict is often tied to parents’ attempts to exert control over their children’s behavior, so some parents reduce these attempts as one way to reduce the conflict.

Photo: cottonbro. Pexels.

Parents’ use of behavioral control and the reactions of children and adolescents to their parents’ attempts to exert control are tied to parents’ and children’s perceptions of the legitimacy of parental authority. Parents’ behavioral control may remain higher into adolescence in cultures in which parents and adolescents believe that parents have legitimate authority to continue exerting control over different aspects of adolescents’ lives. But even in these cultures, parents’ control declines over time. Across cultures, behavioral control may decrease over time as parents recognize that adolescents are increasingly able to regulate their own behavior and make informed decisions.

Monitoring

Monitoring is one way that parents try to keep track of their children’s and adolescents’ behavior from a distance. Parents can set rules and limits (like curfews), and can try to solicit information by asking questions about their children’s friends, activities, and whereabouts. Children and adolescents also contribute to the monitoring process. For example, children can either voluntarily disclose information or withhold it.

If adolescents are secretive, it makes it more difficult for parents to monitor them. Different forms of monitoring, including when parents set limits and solicit information, become more developmentally salient as children enter adolescence and begin spending less time under parents’ direct supervision and more time with peers and in activities away from home.

Programs can guide parents in providing behavioral control and monitoring in ways that are consistent with cultural norms about legitimate parental authority.

Across many cultures that differ in general expectations regarding adolescents, a desire for more autonomy increases during adolescence, and adolescents often want more autonomy than their parents are willing to provide. Thus, most parents negotiate issues related to autonomy with their children during the transition to and progression through adolescence. These negotiations are reflected in changes over time in parents’ rules and efforts to solicit information, which decline with age in many different cultural contexts.

Implications for practice and policy

To support parents in all cultural contexts, parenting programs can emphasize the importance of demonstrating warmth to make children feel loved and accepted. This should continue as children move through adolescence, when an increasing conflict in the relationship can make it more difficult for parents to continue providing warmth and acceptance.

Parenting programs can also guide parents in providing behavioral control and monitoring in ways that are consistent with cultural norms about legitimate parental authority, as well as sensitive to the need for increasing autonomy as children become adolescents.

Parent-child relationships can best be understood as a series of reciprocal transactions over time. Children’s development prompts changes in parenting, and changes in parenting affect children’s development.

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“That is not fair!” Any parent or teacher knows how early in children’s lives this notion drives human behavior, motivation, and belonging. When children feel they are treated fairly, they develop a sense of safety and predictability, and find reason to comply with rules and legitimize authorities. Parents and teachers are justice gatekeepers in children’s lives. How they handle conflict and discipline shapes children’s expectations of justice in other settings.

Most children and adolescents do not have direct contact with legal authorities, such as police or judges. However, one of the ways they build their perspectives is based on the justice they have grown to expect from closer authorities. Data from a diverse group of 680 Brazilian adolescents revealed that parents’ justice at home and their evaluations of school fairness predicted how adolescents perceived their personal access to justice and the justice of the world at large. Furthermore, adolescents’ world views of justice predicted how much they legitimized the law and avoided delinquent behaviors the following year.

It is easy to think about justice as simply getting what you deserve, but that bypasses one of the more powerful cognitions of justice – the process of justice. Procedural justice considers the respect, neutrality, voice, and fairness of the authority’s actions. A child may not agree that she should be disciplined for her dishonesty, but if the parent is respectful, explains the rules, and listens to the child, she is more likely to continue respecting her parents’ authority, despite her frustration. The point is not to be lenient, but to emerge on the other side with your child’s respect so that, even when consequences are firm, the child experiences the safety and predictability of justice.

“How parents and teachers handle conflict and discipline shapes children’s expectations of justice in other settings.”

It is vital that children experience justice and come to expect it. Harsh punishments or rules without explanation do not feel fair, and chip away at the legitimacy youth attribute to authorities at large – and that illegitimacy makes them vulnerable to future delinquency.

When you find out your child has done something wrong, do you:

• Listen to their side of the story?
• Talk to them politely?
• Explain why you are disciplining them?

Youth should be given the chance to articulate their perspective and practice civil dialogue in common daily scenarios. When children are consistently given a chance to explain their perspective and be respected by the authorities they know, they will anticipate and even demand to be given the same rights in society.

The world is not a fair place, and failing to expose injustice underprepares children at best, and leads them to blame the victims or be the victims at worst. The goal is not to have children believe the world is fair, but is to make their lives fair so they can be equipped with the courage to engage in positive civic behaviors and avoid fatalistic mindsets.

“We want to raise children to speak up and expect to be heard and understood.”

We want to raise children who are equipped for the challenges of the world. Doing so begins by providing a safe haven at home and at school, where they can learn to connect their actions to outcomes and to be outraged by, not cynical of, injustice. We want them to have good reasons to legitimize their authorities. We want to raise children to speak up and expect to be heard and understood. We must model for them the kind of justice we want them to demand from society.

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Parental conflict is common in many families, and childhood depression, anxiety, and aggression may be the outcome.

Low-level, poorly resolved conflict between parents – bickering, giving the cold shoulder, eye-rolling – can seem inconsequential. It isn’t physical violence, after all. But it is a feature in many families. And such behavior may help explain enduring mental health problems for many children, including depression, anxiety, poor sleep, and aggressive behavior.

Reducing this type of chronic interparental conflict and tension helps children feel the emotional security they need for robust mental health – not only when they are young but also as adults.

Most people recognize that engaging in yelling matches, throwing things, and acting in ways that are physically aggressive are unhealthy conflict behaviors that can harm children’s development. However, the wider issue is more subtle. It’s about how parents tackle commonplace, sometimes tiny disagreements that all couples can expect to have – conflicts that are natural, inevitable occurrences in any intimate relationship.

A disagreement might be about politics. It might be about who folds the laundry. Many parents don’t see eye to eye on issues related to work-life balance – they may argue about who is spending enough time on child care. A couple from one of our studies was adamant that they had never had a conflict in 27 years of marriage. Eventually, they acknowledged that for nearly three decades, they had disagreed about whether the peanut butter should be kept in the pantry or the refrigerator.

“It’s about how parents tackle commonplace, sometimes tiny disagreements that are natural, inevitable occurrences in any intimate relationship.”

Smoldering battles lead to hypervigilance

How parents tackle such apparently minor (and major) differences matters to children’s mental health. Some couples focus their attention not on collaborating or solving the problem, but on insults, verbal anger, or non-verbal expressions of anger. Friction can be caused by one parent pursuing the dispute through continual nagging and the other parent withdrawing. Small conflicts may remain unresolved for lengthy periods, festering, creating tension, and harming children’s mental health.

Damage is done not by a single or even a few instances, but by chronic interactions of these kinds. They compound and accumulate, stacking up and eroding relationships. Early thinking suggested that if parents bickered a lot, children would get used to it and become desensitized. But studies since the 1980s have demonstrated the opposite: Amid chronic marital conflict, children may become increasingly sensitive to the episodes. They can become hypervigilant, tracking signs for a conflict breaking out. This can make them prone to spotting conflict where there is none or where the typical person might ignore what’s going on. Such focus can be exhausting emotionally for a child.

It is a mistake to believe that children are unaware when parental battles happen behind closed doors. Children are highly tuned to their families’ emotional climate. They can tell if there is tension; they don’t have to witness it. They also recognize when conflict has been resolved, even if they haven’t witnessed the resolution.

Constructive conflict can benefit children 

In contrast, children’s mental health can benefit when parents behave constructively around their conflicts. When parents have differences, they can talk calmly together and focus on solving the problem. Perhaps they touch each other gently while talking, maybe even use kindly humor with one another. This might even have a boosting effect on children – they see that their parents can work out differences so they feel that their family is safe and secure. The children don’t need to worry that their family system will be disrupted. They can expend their energies elsewhere.

Photo: OUCHcharley. Creative Commons.

We should take seriously the risks posed by widespread, poor resolution of disputes among parents. Most children are exposed to parental disagreement on almost a daily basis: Poorly resolved parental conflict is an important factor in mental health outcomes. Family history of the home environment is a robust predictor of good and bad outcomes. 

Children feel emotionally insecure

The wide range of mental health outcomes associated with interparental conflict suggests that several mechanisms may be involved. One pathway relates to children’s sense of emotional security: They need to feel that their family system is safe and secure.

Destructive, unresolved interparental conflict can make children uneasy about the strength of the emotional bonds that are vital for their survival. As a result, children might act out to stop the conflict, or withdraw into themselves and into negative feelings to avoid such threats. In the short run, such strategies can help children manage life with their parents, but in the longer term, these types of learned behaviors – applied to other situations, such as at school or with friends – aren’t good for them or those around them.

“Children are highly tuned into their families’ emotional climate. They can tell if there is tension; they don’t have to witness it.”

Children may blame themselves for conflict

Another pathway involves the thoughts children may have during interparental conflicts. Some children blame themselves, thinking: “I’ve made Mom and Dad fight. I’m responsible.” These feelings of self-blame can fester and break down children’s self-worth. Children who cannot stop their parents’ fighting may feel they have failed, which can lead to depression.

The implications of poorly managed parental conflict do not stop there. This type of conflict is correlated with parental depression and the quality of the parent-child relationship. Some parents imagine they can compartmentalize conflict with their partner. However, if you are angry with your spouse, you may unintentionally take it out on your children, snapping at them and parenting in a harsher manner. Or you may feel exhausted and withdraw, lacking the energy to engage with your children in a meaningful way. There may also be “compensatory” spillover, where a parent turns to a child for comfort, placing undue pressure on the child to make up for the loss of an unfulfilling relationship with the partner. 

Damage may endure into adulthood

Research suggests that these mental health impacts of mishandled interparental conflict can often endure into adulthood: Even after children have become adults and left home, the quality of their parents’ relationship can still affect their mental health and well-being. This might be partly because couples can get stuck for years in a negative way of interacting, exposing their children to chronic interparental conflict throughout development. Additionally, children may model their parents’ pattern of interaction in their own relationships, which may further damage their mental health.

 It’s never too late for parents to change

 There are ways to prevent these injurious impacts. Smaller studies have shown that interventions with parents can lead them to handle conflicts more constructively, encouraging them to solve problems together and speak kindly to each other. These interventions have led to short-term improvements in children’s mental well-being. Interventions to support parents’ mental health and develop positive parenting also make a difference. Important relationships with peers, other adults, or a sibling also buffer the impact on children of interparental conflict. Policymakers, researchers, and practitioners have important work to do to translate this decades-long research into large-scale interventions needed to bolster millions of families affected by this phenomenon.

For parents who get stuck in poor ways of managing conflict, it’s never too late to try healthier ways of tackling differences. But it’s best to start early, before children are exposed. Otherwise, the occasional negative interactions may gradually become so much the norm that nobody realizes what’s happened to a once-loving couple relationship – or to the children.

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Breaking the cycles of bias and violence starts at home by talking to children about racism rather than well-meaning adults avoiding the subject.

In a 2008 column that went viral, the late journalist Fatimah Ali predicted that only the election of Barack Obama would save our country from a full-on “race war.” She was wrong. Obama’s two terms of service have long passed, but the racial injustices in this country are raging in full force. This spring alone, in the context of public health and economic crises that disproportionately ravaged Black and Brown communities, we’ve witnessed the systematic and blatant disregard for Black lives over and over again — George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, Christian Cooper. Communities of color and their allies are tired, weary, angry, and impatient for change. Photos of peaceful protesters speak to our hearts, while burning cars, boarded buildings, law enforcement officers in riot gear, and state-mandated curfews tell the story of a nation at war. Company CEOs, university presidents, national sports figures, and the general public are responding to the countrywide unrest and are watching closely.

Our youngest generation is watching, too.

In these painful times, when the structural racism and inequality of American society is so palpable, many parents are asking two critical questions. Most immediately, “How and how much should we discuss these recent racial traumas with our children?” More importantly “How do we teach this generation about what it means to be White, Black, or any other racial or ethnic group in ways that help dismantle, rather than perpetuate, the systemic racial injustices and inequalities that appear to be so intractable?” The answer to both questions is the same.

Photo: Victoria Pickering. Creative Commons.

As researchers with expertise in parenting among ethnic-racial minority families, we advocate an approach to racial discussions with children that is intentional, honest, and focused on equity and justice for all people. We call it “intentional parenting for equity and justice” (IPEJ). It entails deliberate and purposeful conversations and activities that increase children’s awareness of racial dynamics in our country and impel them to resist and change those dynamics, which most notably include institutionalized racism and oppression; racial stereotyping, microaggressions and their consequences; and the damaging effects of racial privilege on those who are excluded. IPEJ also involves identifying opportunities to expose children to the strengths and rich cultural traditions of all cultural and ethnic groups, including their positive contributions to all aspects of our society.

‘Intentional Parenting for Equity and Justice’ entails deliberate and purposeful conversations and activities that increase children’s awareness of racial dynamics in our country and impel them to resist and change those dynamics, which most notably include institutionalized racism and oppression; racial stereotyping, microaggressions and their consequences; and the damaging effects of racial privilege on those who are excluded.

To achieve IPEJ as a normative approach to parenting, we need to shift the status quo. Currently, many well-meaning adults avoid mentioning race to their children, choosing instead to uphold colorblind and egalitarian national narratives. This is especially true of White parents. Studies following the killings of Trayvon Martin (2012) and Michael Brown (2014) showed that these highly visible events motivated Black parents to have extensive conversations about racism and discrimination with their children. But very few White parents did so, citing their wish to maintain a protected, worry-free childhood environment. Our research shows that on a more routine basis, Black, Latinx and Asian parents are far more likely than White parents to talk about racial issues with their children, especially cultural pride and awareness of discrimination.

The status quo hinders racial progress. To strongly position future generations to dismantle systems of racial injustice, inequality, and privilege, parents must deliberately teach children that they exist, that they are complex, and that they are unacceptable.

Photo: Victoria Pickering. Creative Commons.

Too many teens in our studies – teens of all racial backgrounds – say that racism is a thing of the past that ended when Rosa Parks sat at the front of the bus, even though they notice current racial disparities in the way people live, the opportunities they have, and the way people are treated in public places and by authorities. Children are learning race even when parents are not deliberately teaching it, and they are drawing conclusions that do not include the damage caused by persistent structural issues. In addition, when parents fail to sensitize children to racial bias, stereotyping, and their harmful effects, these racial dynamics persist uncontested.

In our studies, racial teasing and microaggressions are rampant in lunch rooms, schoolyards, and other unsupervised social and digital spaces where youth spend time: Although students of all races experience these aggressions, youth of color experience them more often, leading to what has been called “discriminatory distress” which, when chronic, has cumulative negative effects well into adulthood.  Instead of passively allowing young people to overlook or ignore these racial dynamics, we need to empower them to implement change. Moreover, when White parents continue to communicate to their children that race is unimportant, the burden of racial progress and change falls squarely on the shoulders of children of color, entitling White children to rarely or wrongly think about race. All parents, not just parents of color, need to actively help our children understand, interpret, and resist the structural racism and implicit biases they see in order to help prepare them as future leaders who recognize and fight against their own implicit racism and the racism of others.

How and how much, then, should parents discuss current racial events with their children? As much as possible, in ways that are aligned with children’s ages and readiness to learn. Importantly, though, parents need to have a plan about what they want to convey and how. For young children, discussion of highly visible racialized violence should be simple and brief. Although parents should certainly shield children from graphic video footage, they should prepare themselves to answer children’s questions about things they might see in newspapers or on TV (e.g., why are police officers pushing people? Why are stores and cars burning?). Answers should be simple and brief, and they should reflect parents’ equity and justice goals.

Photo: cool revolution. Creative Commons.

In our work, many parents have described situations in which young children’s questions caught them off-guard, leaving them at a loss for what to say or how to explain. Of course, older children are in a better position to digest more complicated information about inequality and structural racism, and we advocate that parents have frank and accurate discussions about current racialized events (especially their history and origins). Parents’ silence about racialized horrors that children see on TV and social media is in itself a communication to children that racism and inequality are an acceptable way of American life. It is important for all of us (teachers, parents, youth advocates, and researchers) to recognize that children are drawing inferences about the meaning of these events even if parents are not talking about them.

How can parents teach this generation in ways that help dismantle, rather than perpetuate, the systemic racial injustices and inequalities upon which America has been built? Our IPEJ principles apply most directly here. Parents first need to closely examine their own racial beliefs and attitudes to position themselves to teach what they value most to their children. If possible, they should expose children early to diversity in meaningful ways (the places and events they attend; the friends they have; the toys, books, symbols, and wall hanging in the home). In age-appropriate ways, find opportunities to talk about, rather than overlook, how racism and oppression has been deeply woven into the fabric of American life, both historically and to this day. Deliberately discuss, rather than avoid, how non-dominant groups are negatively stereotyped and harmed by slurs, stereotypes, and other stigmatizing public actions and portrayals of minority groups, both historically and now. When and where they see them, parents can identify instances of privilege and opportunity that result in people of color having less access. Find ways to expose children to the strengths, rich traditions, and positive contributions to all aspects of our society of diverse cultural and ethnic groups. In general, intentionally integrate teaching about race into your overall parenting agenda.

Racial injustice is a problem for all of us. Just as it required collective responsibility to flatten the COVID-19 curve, addressing racial oppression, injustice, and inequality is all of our collective responsibility. Intentional Parenting for Equity and Justice is a tool to end systemic and interpersonal racism by raising all children’s consciousness about the impact these systemic factors have on individuals’ health and wellbeing. Without this sort of approach, we, as social scientists, fear that traumatic and painful racial incidents will remain as entrenched as ever in the fabric of American life. Parents need to be part of the solution, recognizing that silence and inaction sustain systems of racial injustice.

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According to the World Health Organisation, children will suffer 80% of the illnesses, injuries and deaths attributable to climate change.

“The well-being and even survival of today’s children are at risk, ” according to a paper on the impacts of the climate crisis on children and youth from the Society for Research in Child Development.

What do children suffer?

According to the World Health Organisation, children will suffer 80% of the illnesses, injuries and deaths attributable to climate change. Children are harmed by both sudden climate change events (e.g., floods and fires) and long-term climate changes (e.g., droughts and rising sea levels). Children will experience:

• Heat-related illness
• Exposure to environmental toxins
• Infectious, gastrointestinal and parasitic diseases that spread in warmer temperatures
• Malnutrition
• Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (an example: after the floods in Pakistan in 2010, 73% of 10- to 19-year-olds displayed high levels of PTSD)
• Depression and anxiety
• Sleep problems
• Cognitive deficits and learning problems

Past research has shown that children’s reactions to extreme weather events include distress, grief, anger, loss of identity, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, higher rates of suicide, and increased aggression and violence.

All these are direct impacts of climate change. Then there are indirect impacts: food shortages, intergroup conflict, economic dislocation and forced migration. Younger children are impacted when their parents’ well-being is undermined. For example, after hurricanes, levels of domestic violence rise. Children’s education is also jeopardized; flooding and droughts are followed by declines in school attendance. Forced migration is followed by trauma and behaviour problems among children.

Things are worse for children in low- and middle-income countries

Low- and middle-income countries are more vulnerable to the impacts of climate change, both through their geographical position and because they have less infrastructure and capacity to respond to climate change. Eighty-five percent of the world’s children live in these regions. Climate change is described as the single biggest threat to development throughout the world, undermining the sustainable development goals set for poverty, hunger, health and well-being, education, water and sanitation, peace and justice.

How children should be supported (but are not)

The key to supporting children and young people in such circumstances is to give them agency. The Convention on the Rights of the Child states that children have the right to participate in and influence decision-making processes that are relevant to their lives.

Yet this has not happened to any significant extent. There have been few adult-initiated programs to help young people respond to the threats of climate change, and little research in this area. Few resources are available to guide parents and other adults about what do to for children.

In response, perhaps unsurprisingly, young people have taken matters into their own hands. All over the world, theyhave taken action.

As just one example—other than the best known of all, Greta Thunberg—in 2018, 25 young plaintiffs won a case in the Colombian Supreme Court against deforestation in the Amazon on the grounds that it threatened their rights to a healthy environment. Millions of children are now demonstrating all over the world.

These youth activists are showing the psychological value of taking action to address the crisis – they commonly report how taking action has helped them deal with their previously debilitating anxiety, fear and anger, and has built their resilience and hopefulness as well as teaching them many life skills.

What adults must do for child development in the face of climate change

Such action by children and young people cannot absolve adults of responsibility, particularly given that if this generation of leaders fail to take effective action, it will be too late.

Those who support child development globally should focus on the 85% of children in the developing world – those most affected by climate change. However, all children will need to cope with climate change impacts, and with the massive changes involved in the shift to a zero-carbon economy.

Key skills that young people will need in the future include empathy, belief in social justice, adaptability and creativity, negotiation and conflict-resolution, collaboration, and civic engagement.

Developmental psychologists need to ensure that the climate crisis is comprehensively covered in psychology education and training. Funding bodies should prioritise research and support for children around climate change.

Finally, child development scientists should themselves become involved in advocacy and education of decision-makers, colleagues and the public about the magnitude of the threat of climate change to today’s children.

“The climate crisis represents a massive threat to our children’s well-being and survival. As such, it poses an unprecedented challenge to those with responsibility for the well-being of children and youth, and requires us to take on new roles as a matter of urgency,” the paper says.

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The researchers found that a more important influence on the adopted child than having same-sex parents or heterosexual parents is how the family manages conflicts.

A study has found no differences in family functioning between same-sex parents and heterosexual parents of adopted children. Nor did it find any difference in how family functioning influences adopted children’s behaviour and how the children think about the adoption. The researchers conclude that there is no empirical argument against same-sex parents adopting children. In the USA, same-sex parents are seven times more likely to adopt children than are heterosexual parents.

The researchers found that a more important influence on adopted children is how the family manages conflicts, whatever the parents’ sexual orientation.

The researchers filmed and coded a 10-minute full family discussion (including other siblings, if any) about a recent conflict with the child. Across both same-sex and heterosexual parents, they found that better “cohesiveness” – the way the family works together to resolve a conflict – correlated with the parents’ report of better behavior on the part of the child. This corroborates much other family research showing that children do better when there is less conflict in the family. Some of these other studies have also observed whole families interacting when measuring conflict management, though few have included adoptive parents.

Similarly, the researchers found correlations between better family functioning – more cohesiveness (as above), less negativity in family interactions and more positivity – and more positive reports by the children regarding their feelings about the adoption. This too is in line with earlier research showing that children feel better about their adoption when their families are more responsive and supportive.

The children’s age and gender and whether the adoptive parents were separated made no difference in the findings, on average.

The study involved 96 families of adopted children (48 boys and 48 girls) aged between 5 and 12 years old. Twenty-six sets of parents were mother-mother, 29 father-father, and 41 mother-father. Forty-six percent of the adoptions were transracial, and the families’ average socioeconomic status was high.

Overall, families with same-sex parents scored highly for cohesiveness and positivity and moderately for negativity. The behavior of the children was below clinical problem levels, and overall the children were positive about adoption.

The family discussions were assessed for power-wielding versus power-sharing dynamics that characterise discussions about resolving conflict. Negativity and positivity in interactions, including tone and body language, were also scored.

The children’s behaviour was assessed by asking both parents, using a questionnaire covering things like disobedience, getting into fights and cheating. The children’s thoughts about adoption were assessed by asking them to complete a questionnaire that explored their positive feelings, negative feelings and their “preoccupation with adoption” (e.g., “How often do you think about adoption?” “How often do you think about your mother?”).

The results of this study confirm earlier research that shows children adopted by same-sex parents do as well as those adopted by heterosexual parents, irrespective of the different parenting practices that are often seen in same-sex couples. These families may demonstrate unique strengths in family communication as well as resilience in the face of social stigma.

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