• Mind-mindedness is the ability of parents to accurately read and label their children’s thoughts, feelings, and wishes.
• Both mothers’ and fathers’ mind-mindedness in the first years of children’s lives play an important role in children developing the ability to regulate their emotions and behaviors.
• Parents can cultivate mind-mindedness by paying close attention to their children’s behavior and taking time to reflect on and label their children’s thoughts, wishes, and emotions.

What is mind-mindedness?

I have vivid memories of the first weeks of motherhood, feeling anxious and confused about why my baby was crying. I wondered: Why is she crying? How is she feeling? Does she want something other than food? Maybe she just wants to be cuddled? As time passed, I began to understand my baby’s wishes and emotions more clearly. Talking to other new parents, I realized that parents differ in how much they can understand their children’s minds.

This ability of parents to think about their children as individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, and wishes, and to label these experiences in their interactions with them is called mind-mindedness. Parents with this ability accurately read their babies’ minds and label their mental states. This might involve reflecting on a child’s emotional experiences or verbalizing their wishes.

Photo: Egidijus Bielskis. Unsplash.

For example, when a child starts crying after their toy broke, a mind-minded parent might say, “You seem upset that your toy broke. You wanted to play with this toy.” In contrast, parents who misinterpret their children’s mental states (e.g., assuming the child is crying because they are tired and do not want to play anymore) demonstrate non-attuned mind-mindedness.

How does mind-mindedness help children?

Parental mind-mindedness plays an important role in the development of children’s self-regulation. Self-regulation is a critical skill that enables children to manage their emotions and behaviors in response to what a situation demands (Eisenberg, 2000; Kochanska, 1993). As children reach the age of four or five and begin school, the demands for self-regulation increase. Starting a these ages, children need to stay focused, pay attention to learning goals, and actively participate in learning in the classroom so self-regulation becomes especially important (e.g., Nota et al., 2004).

Boosting self-regulation

Self-regulation in preschool is not only important for later academic achievement – accumulating evidence suggests that it is also essential for children’s social adjustment and mental health. Preschool-age children who can adequately regulate their emotions and behaviors have more successful relationships with others, are more socially competent, have healthier life habits, and are at a lower risk for developing mental disorders (Robson et al., 2020).

The ability of parents to think about their children as individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, and wishes, and to label these experiences in their interactions with them is called mind-mindedness.

Several studies have examined the role of parental mind-mindedness in the development of self-regulation in infants and toddlers. They have shown that mothers’ and fathers’ mind-mindedness is associated with emerging self-regulation abilities in infancy and toddlerhood (Cheng et al., 2018; Gagné et al., 2018; Senehi et al., 2018; Zeegers et al., 2019). However, it remains unclear whether parental mind-mindedness at these ages plays an important role for self-regulation in preschoolers. This is especially important to determine since self-regulation at preschool age predicts various life outcomes.

The connection between parental mind-mindedness and preschoolers’ self-regulation

My colleagues and I set out to address this question. In our recent study (Nikolić et al., 2022), we investigated whether mothers’ and fathers’ mind-mindedness in the first three years of a child’s life predicts the development of self-regulation at four and a half years.

We predicted that appropriate mind-mindedness in parents would help children develop good self-regulation because children would learn about their inner states from parents who accurately reflect on and label their mental states (e.g., when a child is sad and the parents reflect on the child’s sadness, the child becomes aware of the feeling and starts to understand it). In contrast, non-attuned mind-mindedness in parents would hinder the development of self-regulation because children whose parents misinterpret their thoughts, wishes, and feelings may feel misunderstood and would not learn to understand their mental states from their parents.

Photo: Karolina Grabowska. Pexels.

We assessed mothers’ and fathers’ mind-mindedness in the first three years on multiple occasions by observing their interactions and conversations with their children during playtime. We then measured preschoolers’ self-regulation at the age of 4.5 in several ways. First, we asked parents about their perception of their children’s effortful control, or their capacity to voluntarily focus attention and suppress an inappropriate response or activate an appropriate response to adjust to a situation (Eisenberg, 2005). For example, the ability to prioritize sitting quietly and listening to the teacher over playing with a friend is an aspect of effortful control.

Second, the children completed behavioral tasks in the lab, where we asked them to keep their hands placed on a mat on the table while choosing a prize from a box filled with small toys or a box filled with candies (Kochanska et al., 1997). This task required children to follow instructions and inhibit a dominant response (i.e., touching or pointing to a toy or candy). Finally, we measured children’s heart rate variability during rest – a bodily response related to physiological regulation (Porges, 1997).

Mind-mindedness in the first three years of a child’s life

Both mothers’ and fathers’ mind-mindedness in the first three years of their children’s lives contributed significantly to their preschoolers’ self-regulation. Fathers who were more mind-minded with their babies and toddlers had children who were better at self-regulation when they started school. In contrast, mothers and fathers who were more non-attuned and often misinterpreted their children’s mental states had children who were less able to self-regulate when they started school.

Fathers who were more mind-minded with their babies and toddlers had children who were better at self-regulation when they started school.

These findings provide the first evidence that both mothers’ and fathers’ mind-mindedness in the early years matters for children’s self-regulation in preschool. They also emphasize the role of fathers’ attunement to their children’s mental states in early years for the development of self-regulation at preschool age.

How can parents cultivate mind-mindedness?

What does this mean for parents? While it may not be surprising that a strong parent-child bond has positive effects on a child’s socioemotional development, our study’s findings highlight the unique importance of both mothers and fathers in being mindful of their children’s internal experiences to promote self-regulation early in life.

Parents can pay close attention to their children’s behavior and cues, and take time to reflect on and label their children’s thoughts, wishes, and emotions. By doing so, parents can help their children develop an understanding of their own inner life, making self-regulation easier. And the best part? It is never too early to start this practice – even talking about mental states with your child before they can speak can help them develop this important life skill.

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• Supportive fathers influence their children in significant ways, including the development of cognitive and social skills.
• The positive impact of fathers is greater when fathers’ relationships with mothers are strong and supportive.
• Fathers can help their children’s development through supportive and involved parenting and engaging activities, such as reading books and playing.

To fully understand the significance of a father’s influence on his children, we will explore four key areas:

1. Father-child attachment and later development
2. Father influence on a child’s achievements
3. Father influence on a child’s social skills
4. The mother-father relationship

1. Father-child attachment influences children’s later development

When there is a strong father-child attachment in the first two years, research shows a link with the child’s later social skills, cognitive skills (e.g., language, school achievement) and behavior. In this way, fathers influence their children’s futures.

These links between strong father-child attachment and later child development are greatest when fathers are more involved in parenting. This suggests that involved fathers have the potential to make a big difference in their child’s life.

Involved fathers have the potential to make a big difference in their child’s life.

2. Fathers have a significant influence on their child’s achievements

Fathers who provide primary care for their two-year-olds have children who achieve higher scores on academic tests. (The same is true of mothers.) Anne Martin and her team found that mothers and fathers who provided primary care for their children when they were two had five-year-olds with higher arithmetic and language scores.

Eirini Flouri and Ann Buchanan found that British children with more involved fathers had higher IQs at age seven than did children with less involved fathers. Other researchers have found similar associations at 11 years and 16 years.

Some researchers have worked to distinguish fathers’ influences on educational performance from the effects of other wider family and community influences. The links remain: Fathers who are supportive appear to promote their children’s language and cognitive development.

3. Fathers influence their children’s social skills

In a large British study, when mothers reported that fathers were involved with their seven-year-olds, the children were more likely to report being close to their fathers at 16 and to have less contact with police during adolescence. Other researchers have found even longer-lasting links – fathers’ involvement with their six-year-olds appeared to positively influence  the feelings of their offspring when they were in their 30s, more than 25 years later.

Photo: Mieke Campbell. Pexels.

High levels of paternal involvement in childhood also predict offspring’s social interaction styles in adulthood, as well as their married relationships, parenting skills, and mental health. The converse has also been shown – low paternal involvement and poor child-father attachments predict more psychological and social problems later.

Ross Parke and his colleagues found that a physically playful and affectionate father-son relationship predicted sons’ later popularity with peers. Other researchers have found that fathers who were more sensitive to their five-year-olds’ emotional states had more socially competent children three years later.

Researchers have examined whether fathers and mothers exert different influences on the social development of their children. It is very difficult to separate these influences from the many roles mothers and fathers play in different families. However, researchers have found that children who reported secure attachments to both their parents were more likely to report positive friendships than children who did not.

Mothers influence father-child relationships and fathers influence mother-child relationships.

4. The mother-father relationship influences children

The last 20 years have seen a lot of research on how family members influence the relationships of other family members with children. Studies suggest that mothers influence father-child relationships and fathers influence mother-child relationships.

A key influence on the father-child relationship is how supportive the mother is of this relationship, as well as the quality of the mother-father relationship.

The inverse is also true: Both the father and the mother-father relationship influence the mother-child relationship, but the influence is less. This may be because maternal behavior is framed by clearer conventions and role definitions, while fathers’ roles and behavior are more influenced by what mothers believe.

Mothers’ mental health also affects the father-child relationship, and fathers’ mental health affects the mother-child relationship. Sometimes the response can be compensatory. For example, when mothers suffer from postnatal depression, fathers often engage in more positive interactions with their babies.

Conclusion

The conclusion of this research is clear: A father who wants to be close to his children and positively influence their future should invest in relationships with both the children and their mothers.

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• Consider fathers’ health behaviors as well as mothers’,
• Assess and treat fathers’ mental health as well as mothers’,
• Treat family stress and attend to the couple relationship, and
• Provide access for fathers to family leave.

Much research focuses on how mothers-to-be influence babies’ health and development before and during pregnancy – touching on mothers’ environments, emotions, and behaviors. Mothers-to-be are often advised to alter their lifestyles accordingly.

Less attention is paid to fathers, but there is sufficient evidence to make a case for practice and policy to change in this regard.

This research review sets out seven ways fathers influence children’s development during pregnancy, providing a useful tool for planners of prenatal services and policies.

1. Epigenetic and genetic changes: Prior health behaviors

• Obesity is associated with epigenetic changes that predict restricted growth in childhood.
• Alcohol affects the sperm epigenome and is a risk factor for alcohol use and alcohol sensitivity in offspring.
• Fathers’ diabetes and fast-food consumption predict earlier births.

2. Epigenetic and genetic changes: Exposure to environmental toxins

• Exposure to workplace welding fumes is linked with higher prevalence of congenital abnormalities (Egyptian study).
• Fathers exposed to pesticides (e.g., nematocide, dibromochloropropane, ethylene dibromide) are more likely to have suboptimal sperm quality.

3. Epigenetic and genetic changes: Early life stress

• Children of fathers who survived the Holocaust and fathers with post-traumatic stress disorder show epigenetic differences, namely increased DNA methylation in a promoter region of the glucocorticoid receptor. These are linked with increased prevalence of psychiatric illness and reduced cortisol levels in the children.
• Studies of mothers have shown links between their exposure to disasters (e.g., natural disasters, terrorist attacks, COVID-19) and outcomes for their children. No such research exists for fathers but it would likely reveal similar links.

4. Neurobiological and hormonal changes

• First-time fathers with a higher prenatal testosterone level report less effective and positive parenting six months after the birth.
• First-time fathers with a higher prenatal oxytocin level endorse a more nurturing parenting philosophy after the child’s birth.

“This research review sets out seven ways fathers influence children’s development during pregnancy, providing a useful tool for planners of antenatal services and policies.”

5. Influences on expectant mothers’ health behaviors

• Alcohol use by an expectant father is linked to higher alcohol use by pregnant mothers (Ukrainian study).
• Expectant mothers engage more in prenatal health actions such as stopping smoking when their male partners do more caregiving (e.g., listening to baby’s heartbeat, purchasing items for baby, attending prenatal classes).

6. Influences on expectant mothers’ mental health

• A higher quality of couple relationship is associated with expectant mothers’ lower distress, which in turn is associated with more positive temperament of the baby (U.S. study).
• More relationship conflict correlates with greater incidences of medically complex births. Much research links prenatal stress in mothers to premature birth and low birth weight.
• Depression in expectant fathers correlates with depression in expectant mothers. Joint mental health symptoms in two parents prenatally predict the same symptoms in the parents 12 months after the birth, which in turn correlate with children’s executive function problems at 7-8 years (Finnish study).

7. Influences on mothers’ hormones

• A couple’s hormonal levels tend to synchronize and follow similar patterns. Lower testosterone levels in both expectant parents predict greater investment by the father in the parenting relationship after the birth.
• When cortisol levels are lower in both expectant parents, there is likely to be less conflict between them before birth and less depression on the part of the father after the birth.
• Hormonal changes in mothers can affect fetal development and children’s long-term social and emotional development.

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Adverse childhood experiences include growing up in poverty; absence or death of a parent; violence; caregivers’ drug or alcohol addiction; physical or emotional neglect; peer victimization; or physical, psychological, and sexual abuse.

Based on the study, the researchers concluded that fathers should be involved in programs that support children with problems such as anxiety, anger, inattention, and sleep disturbance. Other studies have shown that parents with a reported history of prior maltreatment have the capacity for improving their parenting practices. Fathers should also receive direct support to address depression and negative parenting practices.

The study featured 118 fathers of 6- to 17-year-olds. All fathers were in stable, committed relationships with the mother of their children. Fathers completed a series of psychological questionnaires and evaluations of their own children. They were asked about their own childhood experiences, their assessment of their children’s mental health (inattention, sleep disturbance, depression, anger, anxiety), their own parenting practices, and their relationship with their children’s mother.

The correlations in this research do not imply causation, but they do correspond with earlier research, particularly on mothers. Mothers’ depression and negative parenting has been shown to explain the link between their own adverse childhood experiences and their children’s development – including communication, problem solving, motor skills at age 2, health, and hyperactivity. Many studies have confirmed that individuals who were maltreated in childhood are at risk of repeating these negative behaviors toward their own children.

Fathers’ symptoms of depression have also been linked to their children’s anxiety, depression, substance addiction (for up to 20 years), psychiatric disorders, lower academic performance, hyperactivity, social problems, and emotional difficulties. The global socioeconomic changes that have been occurring for the last 40 years suggest that the traditional mother-focused models of developmental influence are old fashioned. The presence and involvement of fathers in their children’s lives is strongly associated with their offspring’s social well-being, academic achievement, and behavioral adjustment. Moreover, longitudinal studies have confirmed that, in child development, fathers matter in ways similar to mothers.

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This research on gay fathers contradicts beliefs that fathers have less innate caring ability than mothers and challenges the historical emphasis on mothers.

Researchers at Cambridge University in the UK have found that 10- to 14-year-old adopted children of gay fathers showed higher levels of “secure autonomous attachment” than did adopted children of heterosexual parents. Children who score highly on secure autonomous attachment are able to cope on their own at times, and have positive coping mechanisms, when upset, such as turning to others for support.

Secondly, adopted children of gay fathers also showed lower levels of “insecure preoccupied attachment” than children adopted by either lesbian or heterosexual couples. Children who score highly on insecure preoccupied attachment are typically over-dependent on parents for support and show high levels of anger towards them.

Finally, children of gay fathers showed lower levels of “disorientated-disorganised attachment” – contradictory or incompatible coping strategies – than children of heterosexual couples.

But before rushing to the conclusion that gay fathers are innately better parents, as opposed to equally good parents, the researchers point out other possible explanations.

For example, gay fathers, who are still leading a social change and forging a new way in the world, are on average more motivated and well-adjusted than heterosexual parents. Indeed, in this research, gay fathers rated lower in depression and parenting stress than heterosexual adoptive parents.

Or perhaps the adoption screening process for adoption by gay men is more stringent, meaning gay fathers have to demonstrate stronger motivation and competence than do other adoptive parents. Alternatively, adoption agencies might be placing children with fewer behaviour problems with gay fathers, though there is little evidence of this. Indeed, on average, gay fathers in the sample adopted older children, and older children are more likely to show behaviour problems.

Another possibility difference between gay fathers and heterosexual parents is that they are unlikely to have been through the distressing process of attempting and failing fertility treatment. This traumatic experience can harm parental wellbeing.

Beliefs about mothers’ innate caring abilities, and the historical emphasis on mothers as “primary” attachment figures, might raise questions about attachment patterns in families with two gay fathers. However, the evidence from this research contradicts such ideas.

This is good news for the adoption system. The researchers conclude, “Given the number of children waiting to be adopted and the scarcity of suitable adoptive parents, it is important that potential adopters are not discriminated against based on their gender or sexual orientation.”

The study took place in two phases, once when the children were four to eight years old and again six years later, when the children were 10 to 14 years old. In the second phase, the children were interviewed using the “Friends and Family Interview”. The interviewers focused on how the children discussed the relationship with their parents, assessing this against various measures of secure and insecure attachment. On three out of four measures, secure autonomous attachment, insecure preoccupied attachment, and disorientated-disorganised attachment, they found statistical differences between adopted children of gay fathers, lesbian mothers and heterosexual parents. There were no differences on the final measure of attachment, “insecure dismissing”, when children portray themselves as strong, and minimize negative experiences and their need for support from others.

Earlier research has established that children do equally well when raised by lesbian mothers as they do when raised by heterosexual parents. In later research, this finding was found to apply to gay fathers, who were more responsive and warm towards their children and spent more time with them, on average, than fathers in heterosexual couples.

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Researchers have found that fathers who stimulate their 9-month-olds during play are more likely to enjoy secure attachment 3 to 9 months later.

Secure attachment between fathers and their toddlers is predicted by how fathers play with them. Researchers have found that fathers who stimulate their nine–month–olds during play are more likely to enjoy secure attachment three to nine months later. This happens, however, only if the father is not too intrusive during the playing, for example, by frequently limiting the child’s activities with physical or verbal commands, or by forcing the child to play with something that he/she does not like.

‘Stimulation’ was measured by video. Fathers and babies were recorded together, and researchers observed how often the father did things like exercising the baby’s arms and legs, lifting the baby up to ‘fly’, waving a toy in front of the baby or tickling the baby with a toy.

The research adds to our understanding of father-child play in early child development.

In experiments looking at what predicts secure attachment, mothers and fathers show different patterns. It has been found that when a father plays sensitively with his two-year-old (e.g., plays cooperatively with the child to support more mature play and takes the child’s point of view), then later, during adolescence, the child forms more positive understandings of close relationships. This link with sensitivity specifically during play has not been seen in research with mothers. Instead, mothers’ showing sensitivity during it predicts more secure attachment later, more so than for fathers who care sensitively. (It should be noted that all of this research looks at averages – there are variations among both mothers and fathers.)

Research also tell us that fathers, on average, interact with their infants more playfully, more vigorously and more physically than mothers do. Yet just like mothers, fathers form secure attachments with their do. It seems that children benefit from both having a safe haven and being able to explore. On average, mothers provide more of the former and fathers more of the latter.

In apparent contradiction to earlier research, in the experiment reported here, how sensitively fathers played with their children did not predict any more or less secure attachment later (in contrast to how intrusively the father played). The researchers suggest that this may be because showing sensitivity is important when the child is distressed and, in this experiment, involving only five minutes of father-child play, the children were not distressed.

This research was conducted in the USA and involved a small sample of 58 fathers with their infants and was quite narrow demographically. All the fathers were from dual–earner couples, 88% were married, 86% were white and the median income was $80,000. 

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Men and fathering develop through successful transitions to offer the closeness, engagement and connection needed for positive father-child relationships.

Father-child relationships reflect the nuanced kinds of involvement that children require from their dads and simultaneously highlight fatherhood’s central role in male adult development. That’s why we should focus more on the quality of the father-child relationship across time and contexts. The prize is more informed, enthusiastic and skilled fathers, and better-parented young people.

Typically, messaging about the father-child relationship is quite basic (concentrating primarily on physical involvement) and time limited (over-focussed around becoming a dad). As a result, it doesn’t make the most of what’s possible for children or men. Findings from research present a bigger vision of the father-child relationship – one that describes and mobilises fatherhood across the lifespans of men and their children as well as offering more sophisticated insights into what being an “involved” dad entails.

Men ask me, “How can I be the best dad that I can be?” I highlight three things, grounded in research findings, which always matter; investing in them always pays off. They are the “ABC of fatherhood”.

ABC of the father-child relationship

The “A” is for “affective” climate. This is the sense of love and constancy of a father being there. So a child feels: “My dad has my back. He really cares for me. I could call him at any moment and he would come. I can be halfway around the world and he is thinking of me.”

This affective climate is the most crucial foundation of a father-child relationship. I have worked with fostered children and orphans for 25 years, and there is no mistaking that kids carry themselves differently when they don’t know that they have a dad who cares for them. Being secure in a father’s love is the basis for a positive identity and the courage to explore and learn new things.

“The more a dad can connect his fathering to everyday events, functions, roles and contexts, the ‘more of a dad’ he becomes.”

“B” represents a father’s behavior. Dad goes to his children’s games, helps with homework, gets out with them and kicks a soccer ball. It’s the observable mark of an involved father-child relationship. When a father is positively engaged in these ways, his children tend to have better school attainment, smoother peer relationships, less drug use, delayed sexual initiation and fewer issues with the law and authorities.

Finally, “C” stands for connection. This is about a father’s synchrony with – and sensitivity to – his children, allowing dad to make use of teachable moments. A father who has mastered connection is good at reading his child’s mood. If he thinks his child needs more from him, he’ll give more. If he thinks that he’s overwhelming the child, he’ll back off. It’s what Edward Tronick, the American developmental psychologist, described as the “dance of parenting”, where we learn about turn taking and being tuned in to others.

Sometimes, I ask dads to describe the “greatest hits” of their fathering experiences. Notably, the A, B and C are always there, working together. Fathers are almost disparaged for having too much fun with their kids, but the ABC is right there when they are having fun. Indeed, I can look at most fathers and say, “See, you already know how to do this! You’re an expert.”

The reality is that these three factors or skills contribute positively to all relationships– father-child or spousal or peer – and they work intergenerationally at all ages for children. The challenge for policy and practice is to facilitate the father-child relationship such that the ABC – affective climate, behaviour and connection – are being enhanced.

Photo: Mark Panado. Creative Commons.

Father-child relationship quality underpins men’s development

An added incentive is that developing these facets of the father-child relationship is not only good for the kids – it’s also a vital part of adult male human development.

Studies have demonstrated that involved fatherhood improves a man’s cognitive skills, health and capacity for empathy. It builds his confidence and self-esteem, while enhancing emotional regulation and expression.

For example, involved fatherhood helps men to develop their theory of mind and their executive function. Theory of mind is an understanding that other people have different experiences, perspectives and understandings. A close father-child relationship means that a father will typically be more empathetic to the outlook of children, a skill that he can then apply elsewhere, such as at work, better understanding the diverse perspectives of colleagues.

A close father-child relationship develops the dad’s capacities for evaluating, planning and decision-making – all part of executive function. Dads do this every day. It comes into play, for example, if they are home for only a couple of hours before the children go to bed but plan to use that time well, on an outing or helping with homework or going to a soccer game. That use of executive function to juggle resources effectively carries over into other parts of a man’s life.

An involved father will create or deploy interpersonal relationships and contextual resources to support his parenting. I remember a dad saying he never used to be involved in his community, but now he is in the neighbourhood association to campaign for speed bumps because he wants his children to be safe.

Personal health and emotional regulation improves around a strong father-child relationship

Many men think afresh about their personal health once they become fathers. A dad told me that he used to smoke three packs of cigarettes a day. He’d continued smoking after he got married. But once his wife became pregnant, he quit cold turkey. I’ve seen similar changes related to exercise, diet and substance use. It’s as though men become better versions of themselves for the sake of their children, even more so than for themselves or for their spouses.

A strong father-child relationship also affects emotional regulation. Men frequently say that they have learned to control their anger better or not express negative emotions, such as fear, so readily. They have often also recognised the need to express tender emotions which men, stereotypically, are said to find challenging. Again, their emotional development as fathers carries over into other contexts such as being less likely, for example, to fly off the handle with the boss.

“The more contexts that compete with positive involvement with his children, the more fragile his fathering identity becomes, unless he can bolster his stand against these things.”

Fatherhood gives men permission to play, possibly for the first time in decades. If a man without children enjoys building blocks or colouring books, he may be considered immature, but doing these things with children makes him a sensitive caregiver. A close father-child relationship gives fathers opportunities to re-experience childhood, reintegrate memories, and make sense of relationships with their own parents. When they get down on the ground with kids, it’s not only great parenting – they are also engaging in deep psychological development for themselves.

None of this happens overnight. A man doesn’t magically develop these skills through the birth of a baby. He achieves developmental gains gradually by successfully building the father-child relationship through a series of transitions that include, for example, different stages of child development, family crises, individual changes in his life, transitions experienced by other family members and historic shifts in broader conditions such as the economy.

It’s about more than becoming a dad

Clearly, it’s not just about managing childbirth and other stages in a child’s life. It’s also about what happens to father-child relationship quality when a family member dies, when dad loses or changes his job, when couples split up or when the family moves to another place.

Each transition changes the long-term fathering trajectory incrementally and slightly, contributing to different levels of commitment, fathering identity, behavior and sets of skills. The more a dad can connect his fathering to these everyday events, functions, roles and contexts, the “more of a dad” he becomes. The more contexts that compete with positive involvement with his children, the more fragile his fathering identity becomes, unless he can bolster his stand against these things.

Rethinking policy and practice can achieve a lot

There are clear challenges here for policy makers and practitioners. They must determine to support father-child relationships through common transitions within fathering and facilitate factors that are associated with positive adaptations. Parent educators and family service providers can provide information that will help families to anticipate and develop effective strategies for coping with transitions by focusing on father-child relationship quality across time and contexts.

Get dads through these transitions well and the rewards are men who become the best fathers they can be, with children, partners and communities gaining interdependent benefits.

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A study involving 80 fathers of toddlers found that father child attachment tended to be stronger when fathers spent time caring for their toddler on working days.

The strength of father-child attachment is not simply a function of the overall amount of time that the father spends with his child. A study of 80 biological fathers of three-year-olds—all working full-time, married and living with their children—found that the amount of time they spent with their children varied greatly, from minutes to hours per day. Yet this variation did not correlate with the strength of father-child attachment.

But when the researchers looked more closely at what fathers were doing with their children during the time they spent together, and when they were doing it, patterns started to emerge.

Father-child attachment was stronger when fathers were involved in caregiving with their toddlers on working days. In contrast, attachment was weaker when fathers spent workday time playing with their toddler.

The researchers offer a number of possible explanations for this pattern. A father prepared to do more for the child than just play despite a long working day may be communicating to his child that he is a trustworthy source of emotional support. That is, he may be indicating that he is more tuned in to the child’s needs. It is also possible that contributing to family life in this way on working days contributes to a better father-mother relationship, and that greater family harmony may strengthen parent-child attachment.

Conversely, a father who just plays on workdays may indicate less sensitivity to the child and mother alike. Play during the week is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does not appear to contribute to father-child attachment.

On weekends, by contrast, play is associated with stronger father-child attachment (as is child care, but only slightly). Weekend time with a child is likely to be more plentiful, less hurried, and more child-centred. Spending a lot of time in child-centered activities like play on weekends—when fathers presumably have more flexibility about how and where to spend their time—may be one way of  communicating  closeness to the child.

The researchers visited 80 family homes and conducted interviews and questionnaires to assess both how the fathers spent time with the child and the nature of the father-child attachment. They also observed a 90-minute play activity between father and child. In their analysis, the researchers controlled for the fathers’ sensitivity towards their children, so the results hold true irrespective of how sensitive the father was.

The type of activity – responding to the child’s needs or playing – by no means accounted for all the variation in father-child attachment. Other aspects of father-child activity that were not being measured could be influential, such as the type of play (e.g., rough and tumble versus doing a challenging puzzle). Other factors may be influential too, such as how the mother and father get on with each other.

Earlier research shows clear associations between father involvement and better child outcomes. This finding applies to three kinds of involvement – direct interaction with the child, accessibility to the child and the degree of responsibility for the child. But despite the fact that father-child attachment emerges in the same way that mother-child attachment does, far less research has examined what contributes to stronger father-child attachment.

Also because much research focuses on mothers, who traditionally spend relatively more time responding to children’s needs than they do playing with them, the role of play in parent-child attachment has been understudied. Earlier research has shown, for example, that a father’s sensitivity to a child during moderately challenging play activities – where the child depends on the father’s help – is associated with stronger father-child attachment. Further evidence for the importance of both play and caregiving, and the timing of when these activities occur, is reported this month on the Child and Family Blog.

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Dads can provide secure attachment, sensitive play and opportunities in the world that support children’s social and emotional learning.

Fathers are vital for development of children’s social skills, their relationships with peers and friends, their capacities to resolve conflict and their abilities to concentrate. Dad is also an important provider of social opportunities in the outside world. He is, in short, a route to resilience and children’s lifelong success at home and beyond.

These contributions to children’s social skills and thinking capacities challenge policy to prepare and educate boys properly for fatherhood. They require development of public services for parents that support fathers as well as mothers. The workplace should become father-friendly, and the media’s often negative depictions of fatherhood should be updated to recognise and promote paternal competence. Policy should ensure that fathers and mothers are treated equally within the law. Public policy and practice in most countries typically fails in at least some of these requirements, and sometimes in all.

Developing social skills

The role of fathers in social and emotional learning begins with infants’ early attachment. Having secure attachment with fathers as well as mothers in infancy bequeaths long-term benefits in terms of social skills. It is the start of a lengthy, continuous process that leads to other patterns of interactions, notably during play.

Children’s play with their fathers is no idle pastime. It is often the physical context in which children develop social skills they need to make and keep friends. It provides the guidebook for how to manage relationships.

Photo: Shutterstock.

Getting along with peers and making friends

In studies, we observed fathers who moderated their physical play to a pace that suited their children, slowing down when the child was getting overwhelmed, being sensitive to facial expressions that called for gentler play. Likewise, we observed that if a child was too unruly, dad might frown and the child slowed down. The children of these fathers – whose relationships involved mutual regulation – were more successful with peers. They had learned how to recognise and produce the emotional cues for managing relationships well. They knew how to avoid becoming too angry or sad or flat, and how to keep their emotions at levels that were not too exhausting. This gave them resilience.

How fathers play

Our studies have also shown that successful playful interaction with fathers in first grade is related to better concentration skills in children and predicts academic achievement in third grade. Good father play is also linked to social skills such as politeness and the capacity to display a positive attitude in the face of disappointment. In short, children gain a package of social and emotional learning in their interactions with their fathers that they can apply to a variety of situations.

“The dad dance – the to-and-fro of father-child interaction in which each grows sensitive and responsive to the other – is a rhythm that children ultimately transfer to their other relationships. We should help them get the rhythm right.”

Children who are securely attached to both their mothers and fathers typically expect that the world will be a positive place and will respond to them in positive ways. Well-adapted children typically have fathers who advise them about and exemplify how to repair relationships, solve problems and rectify past wrongs — cognitive templates for maintaining good relationships with friends and others.

Decades of work on how mothers and fathers resolve conflict also shows that after parents have a falling out, if they resolve things in a constructive way, the children will do better and be more able to manage their own emotions.

Mothers are, of course, very important for children’s emotional development and managing relationships with friends. However, their contributions often take a different form. They are more likely to provide the language or vocabulary of emotion and to deliver it in a didactic/teaching format. Fathers tend more to provide their social and emotional learning in an interactional/playful context and in less linguistic form.

Supporting social and emotional learning from fathers

The question for policy makers is how to make the most of fathers’ contributions to children’s social skills, which come in three parts: secure attachment and social interaction; advice on problem solving for relationships with friends or peers, and showing how mom and dad resolve their conflicts; and fathers’ role as monitor and provider of social opportunities.

Supporting secure attachment and good interaction means giving fathers as well as mothers a generous supply of information about parenthood. It also means equality for fathers as competent care givers in terms of time with children after divorce or separation.

“There is a welcome and positive focus in schools on preparing girls for careers in STEM. But we have not begun to prepare boys in school for the new space that is opening up to them as caring fathers.”

The medical establishment should welcome fathers during pregnancy, in the delivery room and in the postpartum period. We filmed new fathers being instructed about how to feed and hold a baby: just 15 minutes made a difference to their parental competence three months later. Healthcare practitioners should recognise that they are supporting a family unit, not just a mother-infant pair. They should also reach out to diverse families. The programs pioneered by Carolyn and Philip Cowan have recognised the wide range of people who need parental support. These include poorer families who might not avail themselves of a program, people who are incarcerated and those who have previously been abusive.

The rules around adoption should be opened up so it is easier for gay or single men to adopt. In the United States, far too many children, particularly those with special needs or from ethnic minorities, remain in institutional care, when there are eligible men available to parent them and give them the start in life that they need.

Thinking afresh about fathers

Governments must recognise that fathers are more than a paycheck. Evidence demonstrates that they can provide much more that is vital to child development than simply their financial contribution. Yet, in many countries, mothers on welfare are financially penalised if they have a cohabiting man in the household, on the assumption that these men are providing financial support. Often, however, a man may provide little income, but may help to stabilise a mother’s relationship with her children. In discouraging cohabitation, the state may be depriving children of the stimulation, teaching and social skills support that he can bring.

Family-workplace policies are a major issue. Rather than maternal or paternal leave, we need family leave, which reconceptualises childrearing as a shared enterprise and creates the flexibility for couples to negotiate who takes leave entitlements. This step is just one part of rethinking the workplace so that men have genuine access to benefits such as job shares, flex-time and part-time work that have long been more easily available to women.

Making life better for fathering begins at school. The segregation of roles for men and women is coming to an end at work and at home. So, for example, there is a welcome and positive focus in schools, galvanised at the level of the United Nations, to prepare girls for careers in STEM– science, technology, engineering and math. But we have not begun to prepare boys in schools for the new space that is opening up to them as caring fathers. We need to educate both boys and girls for a world in which boys don’t have to follow a patriarchal script. They can follow a more egalitarian script and still be masculine.

It’s time to stop underestimating and undermining fathers to the detriment of their children’s development and their social skills. The dad dance – the to-and-fro of father-child interaction in which each grows sensitive and responsive to the other – is a rhythm that children ultimately transfer to relationships with friends, peers and the adult world. We should do everything we can to help them get the rhythm right.Public policy should prepare and educate boys properly for fatherhood. Public services should support fathers as well as mothers. Policy should ensure that fathers and mothers are treated equally within the law.

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